leeroybrown
18th April 2008, 13:54
The Hangover Scale!
1 star hangover *
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your slept in your own bed and
when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you. You
are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up
from all those Vodka Redbulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of
water and still feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are
craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.
2 star hangover * *
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you
have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee
you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling
gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a
nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer
valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing,
followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.
3 star hangover * * *
Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet
and not so productive. Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because
her perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did
with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45
a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a
dozen doughnuts and a litre of coke watching daytime TV. You've had 4
cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet
coke yet you haven't peed once.
4 star hangover * * * *
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't
speak too quickly or else you might spew. Your boss has already
lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking
of booze. You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't
hide the fact that you either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving or
it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems
(depending on your gender). Your teeth have their own individual
sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes
you look like a reject from the second-grade class picture circa 1976.
You would give a week's pay for one of the following: Home time,
doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a time machine so you could go
back and NOT have gone out the night before. You scare small children
in the street just by walking past them.
5 star hangover * * * * *
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying
the employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of
every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in
the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost
the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.
You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your
body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get
mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because
you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's
face it, all you can manage to do is breathe ......very gently.
6 star hangover * * * * * *
You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly; as you were
fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep
until the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that you bed
has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the
room. No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck. You
stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under
full sail. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating
walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet. If you are
lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously
explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus
mating calls. You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the
only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly
continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help
usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived. Tears stream
down your face and your abdomen hurts.
Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving
you there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty, your
spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your
body won't relent. You are convinced that you are starting to turn
yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils projectile out
your mouth on the last occasion. It is now dawn and you pass your
disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed.
She/He abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of
dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept their advice and have
a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital. Work is not
an option.
I am yet to experience a 6 star rating, think i may try tonight lol
1 star hangover *
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your slept in your own bed and
when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you. You
are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up
from all those Vodka Redbulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of
water and still feel as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are
craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.
2 star hangover * *
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you
have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee
you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling
gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a
nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer
valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing,
followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.
3 star hangover * * *
Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet
and not so productive. Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because
her perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did
with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45
a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a
dozen doughnuts and a litre of coke watching daytime TV. You've had 4
cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet
coke yet you haven't peed once.
4 star hangover * * * *
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't
speak too quickly or else you might spew. Your boss has already
lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking
of booze. You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't
hide the fact that you either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving or
it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems
(depending on your gender). Your teeth have their own individual
sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes
you look like a reject from the second-grade class picture circa 1976.
You would give a week's pay for one of the following: Home time,
doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a time machine so you could go
back and NOT have gone out the night before. You scare small children
in the street just by walking past them.
5 star hangover * * * * *
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying
the employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of
every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in
the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost
the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.
You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your
body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get
mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because
you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's
face it, all you can manage to do is breathe ......very gently.
6 star hangover * * * * * *
You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly; as you were
fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep
until the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that you bed
has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the
room. No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck. You
stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under
full sail. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating
walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet. If you are
lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously
explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus
mating calls. You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the
only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly
continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help
usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived. Tears stream
down your face and your abdomen hurts.
Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving
you there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty, your
spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your
body won't relent. You are convinced that you are starting to turn
yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils projectile out
your mouth on the last occasion. It is now dawn and you pass your
disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed.
She/He abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of
dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept their advice and have
a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital. Work is not
an option.
I am yet to experience a 6 star rating, think i may try tonight lol