text message jokes

[stevenet15]

anyone got any good text message jokes? want some to dish round the pub tonight



a woman stood in front of her mirror, naked. She says to her husband "im fat, wrinkled and ugly" its so depressing, please say something to make me feel better, husband replys "well your eye sights spot on"

the missus asked why we dont make love like they do in the movies. So i spanked her, bent her over, shagged her up the arse and shot my load in her face. Turns out we dont watch the same films!

i was outside the hospital having a fag when this bloke in a wheel chair said "why do you smoke?" i looked at him and said "why the fuck do you where shoes!"

[DannoWilko]

Love the second joke hahaha

[Aly]

When does a woman lose 90% of her intelligence?

When her husband dies.

[DannoWilko]

When does a woman lose 90% of her intelligence?

When her husband dies.

YOUCH - Thats not gonna go down well!!

[Chris_O]

Rescuers in Japan have called on Elton John, George Michael and Graham Norton to help search through the rubble for injured victims. Their work could prove invaluable as they are experts at seeing jap's eyes covered in shit

[Dolly]

Me: What's that smell?

Wife: I can't smell anything.

Me: Neither can I, Get that fucking cooker on.




Just watched the WKD advert, where the bloke walks in to the toilet to have a shit whilst his wife's taking a relaxing bath.
After laughing at it, my girlfriend turns to me and says, "I bet you a man made this!"

Course a man made it - it's an advert, not a Sunday roast.



I don't understand why women want to be equal when they could be better.

That shows a lack of ambition to me.

Which is why men are better.

[piranhamatt]

i was down at the ice rink the other day and caught some fat girl giving me the eye.
She came over and told me she was shy and didnt really know how to 'break the ice'.
I asked her if she'd tried jumping on it

[moggyvtr]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[moggyvtr]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[brogan5050]

clarkes shoes are going about making a new range for the summer;

rarse-clarkes
bumba-clarkes
blood-clarkes
and the latest ones, pussy-clarkes

i get some random shit sent to my phone lol

[Matt-T]

Some of these made me LOL. Unfortunatly i dont have any to share :(

[Sean_VTR]

Bloke walks up to nightclub, bouncer says to him, 'I'm not letting you in without a tie on'. Bloke replies, 'ok I'll come back in 5 minutes with a tie', 5 minutes later the bloke returns and has a set of jump leads around his kneck, he says to the bouncer 'can i come in now?' the bouncer replies 'yeah aslong as you don't start nuffin' :homme:

[becky_89]

for fucks sake, what a mess to sort out - I can't believe I've mixed their valentines day cards up. The girlfriend now thinks I love her and the wife thinks I want to shag her.

shagged a girl with a stutter last night. I was lucky. I just managed to finish before she said no.

a medical professor was lecturing his first year students about involuntary muscle contractions. to liven up the lesson he asked one of the female students. For example, do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm? she replies, probably having a pint with his mates

got tonnes more but cba to type them up

[stevenet15]

Two guys were lying in bed after a marathon sex romp.One gets out of bed to go to the bathroom and says "no wanking, I want you at least twice more before bed".
When he comes back out, he sees cum all over the bed sheets and up the wall.Babe!" he whines, "I said no wanking!"."I didn't" replies his lover. "I farted"

[Furio-92]

Rescuers in Japan have called on Elton John, George Michael and Graham Norton to help search through the rubble for injured victims. Their work could prove invaluable as they are experts at seeing jap's eyes covered in shit

Hate 'jokes' like this.

[Chris_O]

Hate 'jokes' like this.

I couldn't give a fuck

[NickJ]

Hate 'jokes' like this.

Would you prefer one like

Give a Japanese man a fish and he can eat for a week, give him a fishing rod and he can find his children

[Giraffe]

I couldn't give a fuck

Woah steady on bad man

iJoke

[Chris_O]

Would you prefer one like

Give a Japanese man a fish and he can eat for a week, give him a fishing rod and he can find his children

Or this?

ITV news reporter: '2 million Japanese people left without water'. I don't think they've looked hard enough!

[Chris_O]

Woah steady on bad man

iJoke

Nothing escapes me!

I very nearly missed that tbf

[Giraffe]

Nothing escapes me!

I very nearly missed that tbf

It's my lack of a sig I think that nearly catches people!

[Lacey_106]

Some recent ones I've been sent:

Kate Middleton has asked the Queen 'what is the secret of a long and happy marriage?' she said 'Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!'



Was shagging this bird the other night and she said 'Don't put it up my arse!' I had to explain to her that it's traditional for the person with the knife to make those decisions.



A gypsy girl is about to get married. Her mum says, 'Emerald, you do realise that when you're married you husband will want to stick his most prized possession in to where you piss?' The daughter replies, 'Shut up ma, how the fuck's he gonna fit his transit van in the sink?!'



The missus asked if she pleased me in bed. I said 'yes... especially when you do that trick with your mouth...' 'What trick?' She asked. 'The one where you shut the fuck up and go to sleep!'



ITN reports that petrol stations will start playing porn movies at the pump so you can see someone else getting fucked at the same time as you!

[pepsimax]

^WIN

-What does mr.Miyagi do to relax
-?
-Wacks off.

[saxoclarke]

I recently opened a cafe in japan, things were a bit shaky to start of with but then people started drifting in.

this tsunami has really opened the eyes of japanese people.

Britain has stopped sending aid to japan as they interviewed a man whose house had 2 yaughts on the front garden.

[Danch198]

itn reports that petrol stations will start playing porn movies at the pump so you can see someone else getting fucked at the same time as you!

lmfao!!

[ClumpyVtR]

Me and my mate went the park the other day when we saw 2 girls on swings, we were shouting higher, go higher! but we still didn't see any fanny..

Statistically 9 out of 10 people enjoy gangrape

Josef Ftritzl:
Putting semen back into basement

[CEdwards]

the other day some girl came up to me and asked "ill suck your nob for a fiver" so i said "yes why not" and paid her, after sucking my cock she lit up a cigarette and i thought to myself. "what sick bastard buys cigarettes for a 12 year old"

----------

The new Toyota Yaris, coming to a shore near you.

[Oll13D]

Dear japan,

See what it's like to have something unexpected creep up and land on your heads?

With love,

All the boys at pearl harbour.

[Giraffe]

Dear japan,

See what it's like to have something unexpected creep up and land on your heads?

With love,

All the boys at pearl harbour.

That's shit, they got nuked twice.

[Oll13D]

True also near 66,000 people died, not really for joking about :(

[Giraffe]

True also near 66,000 people died, not really for joking about :(

I was more just saying they already know what it feels like, twice :\

[SaxoSam96]

Got dumped by my Japanese girlfriend today, never mind, there's plenty more in the sea!

[UKtom]

Got dumped by my Japanese girlfriend today, never mind, there's plenty more in the sea!

+1 LOL, made me laugh :p

[Stissy]

heres a good one:

black man walks into a bar

bar man says "......get out"

[wadoryu]

That's shit, they got nuked twice.

they got nuked once. 1 nuclear bomb, 1 atomic bomb

[Giraffe]

they got nuked once. 1 nuclear bomb, 1 atomic bomb

Minor details, I'll give you it though, pedantic freak. :p

[tweedie]

Not text jokes, but still jokes...

Special forces have captured Colonel Gaddafi and are going to put him somewhere he can’t do any harm to anybody… up front for Arsenal.


A family are driving behind a dustbin truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son’s innocence, the mother turns around and says, “Don’t worry son, that was an insect.” Her son replies, “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that.”


Brothers and sisters play an essential part of your life as a youngster. Particularly if you’re from Norwich, where they could also be your parents.


A boy’s in class, scratching his crotch. His teacher asks what’s wrong and the boy replies, “I’ve just been circumcised and it’s itchy.” The teacher tells him to call his mum. He returns 20 minutes later with his cock out. The teacher asks, “What are you doing?” The boy replies, “She said if I could stick it out till lunch, she’d take me home.”


Last nite I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of tippex. Woke up this morning with a huge correction.


What do you say to a Liverpool fan with a fit girl on his arm? Nice tattoo.


An old man and an old woman visit the park daily. They’re too old to have sex, so she just holds his cock for an hour or so until one day, the old man doesn’t turn up. She goes to look for him, and sees him on another bench with a different old woman holding his piece. She gets very jealous and asks, “What has she got that I haven’t?” 'Parkinson’s,' he replies.


I wonder if Buzz and Woody ever met any of Andy’s mum’s toys? Especially since they probably have the same names.


Does being w*nked off by a clown count as Comic Relief?


Members of the travelling community have complained to Channel 4 that My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding portrayed them unfairly. They have demanded a right to reply… and a sunbed for their six-year-old.


Scientists have revealed sperm helps hair grow. That explains why lots of men have hairy knuckles, but it’s got me wondering about my nan’s moustache.


Arnold Schwarzenegger has been offered a role in a sequel to The Terminator. In this one, he travels back in time and kills the person who suggested he run for Governor

[wadoryu]

Minor details, I'll give you it though, pedantic freak. :p

much love lol:hug:

[tweedie]

they got nuked once. 1 nuclear bomb, 1 atomic bomb

an atomic bomb is a type of nuclear bomb is it not?

[Mordente10]

sorry if these have been sed got these sent the other day..

"mate my japanese girlfriend dumped me last night :(, never mind there are plenty more in the sea."

" 1 in 3 of us live next door to a convicted pedophile.. Not me, I live next door to 2 stunning 13 year olds!!"

[Saxovch22]

My missus kept hinting that I might need to measure her finger size for her birthday gift...I'm already one step ahead of her, I've got her them gloves where one size fits all.


Shhhhhh, Don't tell anyone, I'm gonna go down on you and you're gonna love it, but it's only going to be long enough to let you
start enjoying it.
Then I'm gonna come back up again and fuck you big time.

Lots of love,Petrol prices xxx.