the joke thread

[blackie_2k5]

right ive just spotted something that made me laugh on FB, so i thought itd share, may aswel post a joke while your here ;)

been done before, can work well, long as ppl dont post stuff that will offend ppl too bad, EG racism etc :y:


the joke:

The Husband lay dying. The Wife was by his bedside, he said in a tired voice."There's something I must confess." "Shhh". said the wife, "There's nothing to confess. Everything's all right." "No" the husband replied "I must die in peace. I had sex with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your best friends mom!" "I know," she whispered "That's why I poisoned you, you bastard, now close your eyes.

[Furio-Gazza]

Moke will love this thread, he's the joker off this site :D

[lilbenchy9192]

3 guys walk into a bar


thought one would miss it :)

[vtr_dan]

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a wife.

[MartiVtr]

Your face is quite funny tbh :)


Kid- "Daddy I think my gym teacher is gay!"
Dad- "*cough* what makes you think that?!"
Kid- "He closes his eyes when he kisses me!"

:A:

[mlawlan69]

I had a knock at my door earlier, it was a policeman...

"Mr Cook?"

"Yes," I replied.

"I'm afraid your dog has just been reported to have chased someone on a bike."

I said, "That's bullshit - my dog doesn't have a bike!"

[JoeHindle]

Guy in work was telling me how he makes sure his children brush their teeth three times a day.

"That's very commendable," I said.

"Yeah, well no-one want's to smell spunk on their kid's breath, do they."

[blackie_2k5]

Apple announced today the development of a microchip that can be implanted into a woman's breast and play music. The i-tit will cost £399 and is regarded as a major breakthrough as women are always moaning that men just stare at their tits and never listen to them!

[Moke]

Moke will love this thread, he's the joker off this site :D

:A:

Thanks for that mate!

Joke:

A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger fucking his wife. He says, "What the hell are you two doing?" His wife turns to the stranger and says, "I told you he was stupid."

Joke 2:

Fanny jokes just aren't funny. Period.

[Cluskie]

My mate said, "I like your car."
I said, "It's not very practical now we've got a baby."
He said, "How about I buy it off you."
I said, "Yeah go on then. Three grand?"
He said, "You've got yourself a deal."
I said, "Nice one... you're going to make a brilliant dad."

[K17NEY]

Your face is quite funny tbh :)


Kid- "Daddy I think my gym teacher is gay!"
Dad- "*cough* what makes you think that?!"
Kid- "He closes his eyes when he kisses me!"

:A:

Absolute fucking LOL

[ward3]

right ive just spotted something that made me laugh on FB, so i thought itd share, may aswel post a joke while your here ;)

been done before, can work well, long as ppl dont post stuff that will offend ppl too bad, EG racism etc :y:


the joke:

The Husband lay dying. The Wife was by his bedside, he said in a tired voice."There's something I must confess." "Shhh". said the wife, "There's nothing to confess. Everything's all right." "No" the husband replied "I must die in peace. I had sex with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your best friends mom!" "I know," she whispered "That's why I poisoned you, you bastard, now close your eyes.

BRILLIANT lol

[Mochachino]

Mick says to Paddy "close your curtains next time you make love to your wife, all the neigbours were laughing at you yesterday... "well" said paddy, "the laugh is on them because I wasn't fucking in yesterday!"

[blackie_2k5]

A young camel was bored one day and started asking his mother Questions. "Why do we have 3 toed feet?" "So we dont sink in the soft sands of the desert," his mother replied. "Why do we have long eyelashes?" was the next question. "To stop the sands of the desert storms getting in our eyes," was the reply. "Why do we have large humps on our backs?" "So we can cross many miles of desert without needing water," his mother snapped. "So what the fuck are we doing in Chester Zoo?"

[blackie_2k5]

The doctor asked, "What do you usually do when your head ache comes on?"

I replied, "Buy her some tampons and lock her in the basement."

[Damask]

had a girlfriend with eczma..... cracking tits.

[TypeRDavid]

I was watching the news with my wife last night. "It looks like the Kaiser Chiefs were right," I said.

"Yeah, very funny," she replied. "I Predict A Riot."

I said, "No... Everyday I Love You Less And Less."

[tingaling]

I went to a paraplegic disco last night, the dancefloor was crawling with pussy

[sax_o_milley]

went to weightwatchers last night,
threw a bag of maltesers on the floor,
best game of hungry hippos i"ve ever seen

[Petee]

sickipedia ftw?

my gay brother has recently been diagnosed with HIV

What a bummer...

[mattknight1984]

Checking Facebook is kind of like checking your boxers after a fart. There's most likely nothing new and if there is, it's probably shit.

I once convinced a blind woman that I have a braille tattoo on my penis. Thank fuck she was a slow reader...

[McGuire86]

Last month I was addicted to soap - but now i'm clean.

But now i'm hooked on brake fluid - however, I can stop at anytime.

[Goldsax]

Man lying on a beach wearing nothing but a hat over his cock...
A women walks by and says 'if you such a gentleman you'd raise your hat to a lady'
The man replies...'if you wernt so damn ugly the hat would lift its self'

SKY SPORTS BREAKING NEW:
Alan shearer has announced that next year's shirt sponsor of nuwcastle united will be tampax...
A spokesmand for tampax said: 'to sponsor a bunch of cunts going through a bad period is exactly what our company is all about'....

[blackie_2k5]

goldsax...that newcastle joke is a bit old.... should have changed it to the mackems... theyre a bunch of red arsed cunts going through a bad peroid ;)

[Goldsax]

yeh i just found it on my phone last night...ive had this phone 2 years lol....and i hate footy anyways so it doesnt matter to me lol

[spudders]

its a shame amy winehouse and michael jacson didnt sing each others songs.
she might have had one more chance and he might have gone back to black...

[reevesy_vtr]

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face....

[e8_pqck]

i strapped two bottles of volvic to my feet the other day, people looked on astonished as i walked on water..

[blackie_2k5]

i was eating dinner with my wife yesterday when i noticed she had food on her face,

"you have something on your chin" i said

she started rubbing her face "did i get it?"

"no, its on your other chin you fat bitch"

[blackie_2k5]

Frankie Boyle's new show; Mock the Weak, coming to a hospice near you

[blackie_2k5]

Kevin Webster meets some fans, one of whom is a 12 year old girl. He asks her what she wants for Christmas. "Some hairs on my fanny" she replies. Webster says "Well this is your lucky day as I haven't shaved my moustache off yet".

[blackie_2k5]

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night.
Locals were shouting paedophile and other names at me, just because I'm 50 and she's 21.

Completely ruined our 10th anniversary

[Sophia_Bush]

this is my joke

http://i56.tinypic.com/35kqv5j.jpg

[blackie_2k5]

gav wins hands down so far...

is this one too much?


What's black and hangs out of a school girls knickers?

Kevin Webster's moustache.

[Moke]

Whats the best part about sex with a five year old boy?

Watching him break down on the witness stand.


What's the first thing a woman does when she gets back from the battered women's clinic?

The god damned dishes if she knows what's good for her.


What is the hardest part about eating vegetables?

The wheelchairs.

:hug:

[blackie_2k5]

thats not nice moke, but on a similar note:

EDIT- acutally thats OTT even for me tbh

[Moke]

What do you call a one-legged woman?

Eileen.

What do you call a one-legged Chinese woman?

Irene.

:')

[blackie_2k5]

How do you get milk from a cow?

Give her two pounds and send her to the shop.

[blackie_2k5]

So Wayne Rooney's dad was arrested after a betting scam on a Motherwell game.

Police apparently became suspicious after hearing somebody had shown an interest in Scottish football

[blackie_2k5]

I'm thinking of changing my name to Cancer.

Hopefully when I tell people my wife has been beaten by cancer I might get a free pint or two down at my local, then I'll stagger home and beat her some more.

[blackie_2k5]

Some dirty cow has been fraudulently selling soiled panties on ebay, a police enquiry revealed that she had in fact just been wiping them on her dog's arse.

Two questions:

What type of filthy pervert buys this sort of stuff?

How do you get a Paypal refund?

[blackie_2k5]

After celebrating their golden wedding anniversary, an old couple goes to bed. Many of the guests at the party are spending the night in the house.

"Can you remember our wedding night 50 years ago?" asks the husband. "How I cut my finger so that everyone would believe you were still a virgin?"

"I remember," says the wife. "What do you want me to do now? Blow my nose on the sheet so everyone thinks you can still get it up?"

[Moke]

I'm thinking of changing my name to Cancer.

Hopefully when I tell people my wife has been beaten by cancer I might get a free pint or two down at my local, then I'll stagger home and beat her some more.

You horrible bastard! :fcuk:

[blackie_2k5]

Why I fired my secretary:

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.""Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake. Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday".And I just sat there...On the couch...Sobbing...Naked...and erect.

[blackie_2k5]

BBC NEWS: Australia plane hits Ferris wheel.

Police say the pilot is slowly coming round

[blackie_2k5]

You horrible bastard! :fcuk:

im ashamed michael :(

[Prickle]

OP - blackie

see what he did there? :detective:

LYA. :A:

[Moke]

im ashamed michael :(

My love has grown for you.

MOAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[blackie_2k5]

My love has grown for you.

MOAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

your a dirty man moke, DIRTY! :p

give me....

"one moment please"

[blackie_2k5]

I saw a girl walking down the street that I fucked years ago, so I ran up behind her, covered her eyes and whispered, "Guess who... I took your virginity..."

She said, "Dad?"

"Dad?" I replied, staggering back in disgust. "You lost your virginity to your Dad?"

She turned round and said, "Oh... It's you... I told you that you were my first because I was ashamed of what happened with my..."

"I don't want to hear it," I interrupted. "Fuck you, and your Dad."

As I walked off, I turned round and shouted, "Tell him Uncle Tony won't be coming round this Christmas."

[Moke]

your a dirty man moke, DIRTY! :p

give me....

"one moment please"

Sure........ I'll leave you with this joke:

What's the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich?


I don't fuck the sandwich before I eat it.

White text ^.

[blackie_2k5]

OP - blackie

see what he did there? :detective:

LYA. :A:

hmmmmm,...... i feel this has a point....but im not sure where its leading to :p

[blackie_2k5]

Sure........ I'll leave you with this joke:

What's the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich?


I don't fuck the sandwich before I eat it.

White text ^.

wait... do quotes show white text?


oh wait, so they do, mike your a naughty man tbf...:fcuk:

[Prickle]

hmmmmm,...... i feel this has a point....but im not sure where its leading to :p

hahahahaha.

jesus.

that special moment is occuring and it isnt secks..

[Moke]

wait... do quotes show white text?


oh wait, so they do, mike your a naughty man tbf...:fcuk:

I do try :')

[blackie_2k5]

hahahahaha.

jesus.

that special moment is occuring and it isnt secks..

i cunt spill mite...whit as secks?

EDIT- haha, if you pretend your a drunk irish/scottsman that makes sense in english :D

[blackie_2k5]

A sexy young girl approached me in the club last night.

"Wanna buy me a few drinks?" she whispered with a wink.

"Of course," I burst out, shooting to the bar.

After she had drunk 5 vodkas within 10 minutes, I gave her a nudge.

"I bet you're the type of girl that uses men to get drunk and gives nothing in return, aren't you?" I asked.

"You've got me all figured out," she smirked.

"Well not tonight!" I replied, waving an empty Rohypnol box in her face.

[DanViner]

Does everyone find the jokes about steve jobs funny ??
Idont

[DanViner]

I heard that when michael Jackson got ready for bed he would wear an adult top and squeeze himself into kids bottoms

[Prickle]

I heard that when michael Jackson got ready for bed he would wear an adult top and squeeze himself into kids bottoms


Idont

:detective:

[Moke]

:detective:

http://images.icanhascheezburger.com/completestore/2009/5/5/128860395850986136.jpg

[DanViner]

Sex with 3 people is called a threesome,
Sex with 2 people is called a twosome,
And this is why John G is handsome.

[younglassXSi]

Two spark plugs walked into a bar and said

"couple of drinks please mate"

"I'm not serving YOU"

"why not?"

"well your gonna start something, and your out your head"

[danny-vts]

a man and woman who had never met before, found themselves sharing a sleeping compartment on a train.
the man was on the top bunk and she was on the lower .
during the night, bloke woke up and asked "sorry to bother you, but could you reach into the closet and get me a 2nd blanket, im freezing"!
"ive a better idea" said the woman, "why dont we pretend we're married?"
"wow thats a great idea" said the bloke.
"good" she replied, "get your own fucking blanket you lazy bastard".

[danny-vts]

daughter askes her dad "can my boyfriend stay the night?"
dad shouts "can he fuck!!"
daughter answers "like a rabbit".

[danny-vts]

elton john will perform at amy winehouse's funeral with a beautiful rendition of candle under the spoon.

whats the difference between amy winehouse and alex ferguson?
fergie can still play giggs.

[danny-vts]

dear deidre,
i was watching my next door neighbours daughter sunbathing topless from my bedroom window.
as i was knocking one out, i turned to notice my wife just stood there, arms folded...watching me.
is she a pervert?

[danny-vts]

an old pakistani porn star is in an old peoples home and his relatives come visit him to make sure he's ok.
"oh im fine" he says, "they treat us all with kindness and respect. old tom over there used to be a doctor and they call him Dr tom, bill was a pilot so they still call him captain bill, and even though i haven't had sex for 20 years they still call me the fuckin paki".

[danny-vts]

a woman farts in a jewellers as she bends down to look at a piece of jewellery.
"how much is this?"
the assistant replied, "you farted looking at it, you will shit yourself if you knew the price".

[spudders]

i couldnt stop farting in bed last night , to the point my jewish girlfriend had enough and kicked me out to sleep on the sofa.
oh come on i pleaded ''a bit of gas never killed enyone''.
apparently now im fucking insensitive as well now...

[DUBHEAD]

paddy bought a chainsaw and was told by the man in the shop that it could cut down 40 trees in one hour, but paddy only manages 20 so he takes it back to the shop, the man then starts it up to test it out to which paddy shouts what the fuck is that noise!


marriage: betting someone half your shit you will love them forever.

[blackie_2k5]

paddy and mick on a job site, mick sais "fuck this shit im away home", to which paddy replies, "if you take one more sick day your gonna get the sack", mick goes on to tell him he has a plan and to go and get the site foreman, by the time they return mick is hanging upside down from a girder screaming "IM A LIGHT BULB, IM A LIGHT BULB!" the site foreman demands he gets down and get some work done, to which the replies "IM A LIGHT BULB, IM A LIGHT BULB" the foreman looks puzzled and tells mick to ring his wife, and tells him to go home and get some rest, assuming he was on the verge of a breakdown, so his wife colects him, by time paddy is packing up his tools ready for the off, the foreman looks at him and sais: "where the fucxk do you think your going, you cant leave", to which paddy replies "well i cant work in the fucking dark now can i!"

[Prickle]

Sex with 3 people is called a threesome,
Sex with 2 people is called a twosome,
And this is why John G is handsome.

get this joke in wikipedia mate.

toppah.

[DanViner]

get this joke in wikipedia mate.

toppah.

I didn't personally but it probably come from sikipedia

[e8_pqck]

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife weregoing to commit suicide yesterday.

But strangely enough….once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought…Sod it….soldier on.

[Rogue_Shadow]

BUUUMMMMPPP :y:

So, we've got Osama, got Gadaffi.

Where the fuck is Wally?

[Piggie]

Boosting this up because im boredddddddd

I shall provide a few anybody else feel free to add some. If i post one thats been said i apologise cba reading old posts

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says ” how do you know”? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

[Piggie]

A wife says to her husband “you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.” He says “what do you expect? You’re in a wheel chair.

[danny-vts]

An australian, an irishman and a scouser are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his ownat a table in the corner. He's so familiar and not recognizing him is driving them mad. They stare and stare until suddenly the irishman twigs "my God, it's Jesus!" sure enough it is jesus nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of guiness, a pint of fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he has finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the guiness. when he lets go, the irishman gives a cry of amazement, "my god! the artheritis iv had for 30 years is gone. its a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the aussies handthanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock, "strewth mate, the bad back iv had all my life is completely gone! its a miracle." Jesus then approachesthe scouser who says "back off mate, i'm on disability benefits".


police cordoned off liverpool city centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered.
It later turned out to be a tax disc.


A priest offereda lift to a nun. she got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. after controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. the nun said "father, remember Psalm 129?"
the priest removed his hand, but changing gears he let his hand slide up her leg again. the nun once again said "father, remember Psalm 129?"
the priest apologized "sorry sister but the flesh is weak".
arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
it said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory".

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

[Dolly]

A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.

"Excuse me do I know you?" he asks.

"Yes, I think you are the father of one of my kids" she says.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says, "F***ing hell, are you the bird I shagged on me stag do, whilst your mate whipped me, and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?"

"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher!"

[D1zzyman]

I went out "tclubbing" last night, dressed to kill!!!

Beard, sandals, turban, backpack...... :cool:

[VTRelite]

I learnt today that Rolf Harris was dyslexic.

Rofl

[Chris0211]

What sort of person would go out for the evening leaving a young girl at home alone?

And whereabouts would they live?

[Rogue_Shadow]

How many Cornish people does it take to change a lightbulb?

NONE!

We don't like change :detective:

[j05h_54xo]

Bob the builder goes up to a girl in a nightclub and says" I have an 8 inch dick and can shag all night." After a few beers she takes Bob home with her. The next morning she says "You said you had an 8 inch dick and could last all night. Instead you have a 5 inch dick and lasted 3 minutes!" Bob replies "I'm a builder love. It was an estimate."

[blackie_2k5]

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure!

:bump:

[slammed_saxo_vts]

Q: Why doesn't a chicken wear pants?
A: Because his pecker is on his head!

Q. What did the penis say to the condom?
A. Cover me im going in!

Q. What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it hits a windscreen?
A. It's arse!

Q. What does a guy and a car have in common?
A. They both have the ability to misfire.

Q. Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
A. Because their plugged into a genius!

Q. What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
A. If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!

Q. How can you tell when a women is having a bad day?
A. She has her tampon behind her ear,and she can`t find her cigarette.

Q. Why dont blind men skydive?
A. Because it scares the shit out of the dog

Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A. Mega-saur-ass

Q. Whats the difference between a wife and a girlfriend ?
A. 3 Stone !