august jokes thread

[bmxbannanas]

il start

my mate got kicked out of a pub last night because he had a pair of jumpleads around his neck....

landlord thought he was going to start something ... bud um tsss :homme:

[Heftydanielson]

That's just bad. Haha

Need more please, would make this night a hell of a lot better.

[bmxbannanas]

hmm who likes longjumpers ?


not me mate i prefer long cardigans pmsl ;)

[danny-vts]

barman says to paddy "your glass is empty, fancy another one?"
looking puzzled, paddy says "why the fuck would i want 2 empty glasses?"

[D1zzyman]

A horse walks into a bar. The barman says, "Why the long face?"

The horse replies, "I came first in the Olympics and they gave the medal to the twat on my back."

[Bedford126]

What's the hardest part or a sex change?


Making cheese smell like tuna.....

[Pink1991]

I took the m25 out of london the other day ...

The police pulled me over and asked for it back. :cool:

[griff_106]

I can't help but wonder - Would Anne Frank still be alive today had the Nazis received training from West Croydon Police?

Too soon?

[yeahbuddy]

Referee walks in to a pub............. then says its gonna kick off here in a min

What do you call an exploding monkey? A BaBOOOM

[desire1]

i walked into a bar





...
ouch

[Rogue_Shadow]

Sky news report: the Irish have joined the attack on Libya. They sent in 3 ships
2 full of sand
1 full of cement
...
To prepare for a motar attack :D

[headless]

Team GB's Paralympic football team's final preparation match didn't go all to plan yesterday, as they were comfortably beaten 3-0 by West Brom.

[PastyVTR]

What do you call a boomerang that doesnt come back...

A stick.

[jones91]

Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend

Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible

Or in short..... B.I.G.T.I.T.S. :y:

[Brettles1986]

A bloke is stuck in traffic jam when a guy with a bucket knocks his window

"What do you want" he says
The man with the bucket says "We need your help, the houses of parliament have been overcome by terrorists and are threatening to douse them all in petrol and burn them alive if we don't hand over £100,000,000"

Man in car "So how much have you collected"

Window knocker "about 1.5 gallons"

:D

[blackie_2k5]

old couple sitting in a busy church one sunday for mass..the old wife turns to her husband and sais, "ive just let out a silent fart..what do i do!?" the husband gives her a funny look and repeats.. "replace the batteries in your hearing aid!!"

[Baz]

Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?

Because its pointless!



What did the grape say after the elephant sat on it?

Nothing, it just let out a little whine!

[blackie_2k5]

I like how at the end of Hollyoaks a voice says "If you've been affected by any issues in this programme please phone this number"..

So I phoned and I said "Hello...I can't act either".

[blackie_2k5]

Paddy carrying wardrobe down the road...bloke says why dont you ask mick to give you a hand...paddy says he is, he's is inside carrying the clothes :y:

[blackie_2k5]

My teen daughter sent me a txt message,"Dad I'm pregnant again...It must be something in the air!" "Yeah,your fucking legs" I replied.

[jakesc]

Fat children - not heavy, just kidnap resistant

[Saxo_Mick666]

I saw a young girl being dragged into a van yesterday. Didn't look a day over 10 years old.
Aye, it was a well kept van.

[daveymac]

I got pulled by the police last night, When the officer came to my window he said "papers" I said "scissors wins" and drove off!

Sent from my HTC Desire S using Tapatalk

[JoeHindle]

I'm a self-employed cleaner and things have never been so busy.


I got the contract to mop up the dribble from the judo mats at the Paralympics.

[Baz]

Mum and Dad are having sex in the front room, their son walks in an runs out quickly and shouts! Nanny Nanny whats Mommy and Daddy doing?

Erm they are baking a cake..... ok then says the boy. The next day the son says to his Dad, Daddy i no what you and Mommy where doing last night on the sofa. The Dad says really? what son?

He says baking a cake. The Dad says yes son how you know that? the son says because i licked the icing off the sofa.