Funny stories... [Archive] - Saxperience

blackie_2k5

13th September 2012, 19:31

thought id post this up for you all...might be a laugh if your bored at work etc...

got a mate whos quite a character..made the vid below that some of you may seen before :y:

it did the rounds on the mobiles back in the day (can tell how long ago it was due to the quality lol..)

he writes daily stories..sometimes mutiple per day..on his facebook status :panic:

so ill try to keep it updated for you all :y:

heres the vid:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZvRq5YCHKY

ill try get a few stories for you now :afro:

blackie_2k5

13th September 2012, 19:33

This morning my mate Gerry Flynn sorted me some fiddle work. It was in a large council estate. Every trade was there. From plumbers to bricklayers. So im busy helping Gerry when my tummy begins to churn. I see a sign that says ' Site toilet' and i head toward it. Gerry asks " Where you going?" I explain im bursting for the toilet but Gerry says " That toilet is broke mate. Ill take you to the one that works." We walk round the site for what seems like an eternity. Gerry is walking in and out of houses till finally he says " This one here mate." I run in the house and straight upstairs. I get to the toilet just in time and a huge shit falls out. I thought it would have made a huge splash but there is no noise. I look round and there is no water in the toilet. I then notice the toilet isnt even connected. To my horror i hear the front door open and a guy shout " Ill get my bait after i plumb this toilet in." I pull my pants up and go to the door but its to late. The plumber comes in,looks at me and says " What the fuck you doing?" He then looks in the toilet and sees my huge bum cigar. He turns angry and says " Get that out of that fuckin bog now." I look for toilet roll but cant find any. The plumber then picks up a spanner and says " Get it out or ill crack your head open." Im forced to pick it out with my hands and take it to the bin outside. Humiliated and with shit covered hands i go to find Gerry. I see him and i cant believe he is coming out of the 'Site toilet'. Rubbing his belly he looks at me and says " Phew i just had a mint shit how was yours?" I show him my hands and tell him what happened. Gerry laughs and says " Always in life check where you let shit fall out of you. For if it drops in the wrong place you may be forced to pick it up." Wise words but for me they where spoke to late.

blackie_2k5

13th September 2012, 19:34

Earlier today me and my mate Gerry Flynn had a walk round Newcastle. We grabbed a bite to eat and headed to the arena to see if we could get tickets for Lady Ga Ga's latest show. We get there and its sold out. We have a walk round the arena and to our surprise we see Lady Ga Ga having a ciggy out of a side door. Gerry runs over to her and starts doing star jumps as he sings ' Born this way'. Lady Ga Ga is impressed and says " Guess you guys are big fans. Come to my dressing room and see the real Ga Ga." Excited we follow her and end up in a brilliant white room. Ga Ga turns to face us and puts both hands behind her back. Gerry is telling her what a huge fan he is. Suddenly she puts her fist an inch from Gerrys face. She then opens it and shakes it. Gerry faces grimaces and he shouts " Bah that stinks." Ga Ga stares him in the eyes and sings " F f f fart in your face,f f f fart in your face." to the tune of ' Poker face.' She then turns to me and says " You look strong. Let me sit on your shoulders." So i kneel and she sits on me. I stand and she wraps her legs round me tight. Suddenly she lets out three loud farts. I feel them rattle off the back of my neck. The smell is awful and i try to get her off but her legs are locked tight. She then begins singing " I want your loving and i want your revenge,us three can smell my farts allday." to the tune of ' Bad romance.' I finally manage to get her off and me and Gerry make our excuses to leave. As we are walking out the door she says " Oh boys." We turn as she squats down and has a huge shit into her hand. She then sings " Papa papa papashitezi." to the tune of ' Paparazzi'. Before we can leave she hurls the foot long chod at us. We duck but it hits the door and splats all over. Ga Ga then runs towards us with her poo covered hand. We give it legs and manage to escape. People think Ga Ga is an icon,a role model or superstar and couple of hours ago id have agreed. Now i think she is just a scruffy cunt who likes the smell of her own shit. Good riddance Ga Ga.

blackie_2k5

13th September 2012, 19:35

Yesterday me and my mate Gerry Flynn went to london for a day out. We took in all the tourist sites then went for a pint. As we sat down i had to do a double take at the woman in the corner. To our delight it none other that the popstar Rihanna. Myself and Gerry eventually plucked up the courage to go say hello. As we got nearer her minders stopped us but Rihanna said " Let them come chat." She was very drunk as she posed for photos with me and Gerry. Then to our surprise she said " You guys are cool lets go back to my hotel and party." We couldnt believe our luck as off we went to the penthouse of the hilton hotel. Rihanna poured us drinks and then for no reason Gerry said " Rid said you look like a lad with your short hair." Id said no such thing and told her so but i could tell she wasnt happy. She then walked over to me and said " Have i got a mark on the back of my jeans?" Turning round she bent over right infront of me. Her gorgeous arse only inches away i muttered " Er no." She said " Look closer." So i lean in and im about an inch from her perfect booty. She then grabs my hair and pulls my face between her butt cheeks. I wasnt complaining till she let out a loud,rippling,belly fart. The heat was intense and the smell was revolting. I tried to pull away but she was stronger than i expected. The smell of rotten egg had hit the back of my throat and i began to wrech. Finally she let go and Gerry was laughing as he stood by an open window. Rihanna then walked in the bathroom,shit on the floor then shouted " Security this guy did a No.2 on my floor." Gerry is laughing as a huge minder escorts me out. I look back and see Gerry and Rihanna setting up a game of connect4. Im no longer a fan of the singer. What she did was both childish and petty. Why Gerry said what he said i dont know. I havent had a chance to speak to him as he has yet to leave her room. Worst thing is i love connect4.

blackie_2k5

13th September 2012, 19:35

So last night me and my mate Gerry Flynn decided to go to newcastle. I arrive at Gerrys to wait for our taxi. Gerry makes us vodka and red bulls to get in the mood. Im sitting down as he hands me my drink. As i go to take it he drops it all over my shirt and jeans. Im soaked so Gerry has to lend me some clothes. He gives me a shirt and trousers but the only spare underpants he has is a huge,baggy,worn out pair of brown Y fronts. I think nothing of it and get ready and jump in the taxi. We get to the town and its bouncing. We end up drunk and chatting to some girls. Gerry is behind me showing girls his biceps and im getting on really with a cute irish girl. She then says to me " Your trousers are ripped." I look and there is a tear in the stitching on the side. On closer inspection i see the whole side is stuck together by velcro. Suddenly from behind Gerry grabs the trousers and pulls hard. The velcro bursts apart and the trousers are ripped clean off. Gerry runs off and im left standing in these huge brown Y fronts. The girl looks at them,shakes her head and walks off. The bouncers grab me and throws me out. Im left standing on the street in those pants. People laughing and giving me abuse. I try to get a taxi but my money was in the trousers. Gerry is nowhere to be seen so i have the longest,coldest,humiliting,walk home ever. Something tells me Gerry planned the whole thing.

blackie_2k5

13th September 2012, 19:36

With it being a nice day i decided to go for a relaxing swim. So i jump on the bus and head to stanley louisa centre. I pay in and slip on my trunks and head to the pool. I dive in and its so refreshing. Im doing my laps and i keep passing this really good looking girl. We exchange smiles and have the odd bit small talk as we pass. Then my mate Gerry Flynn comes walking in. He spots me and runs over and bombs into water right next to me. The water splashes my eyes and i cant see. I then hear Gerry say " Hew pet watch what i can do to this pipsqueek." He then begins dunking my head underwater. I try to fight him off but he far to strong. He keeps my head underwater with his hand then lets me up for breath but after a few seconds dunks me back under. Laughing he shouts " Look im stronger." Eventually i get free and see the girl i was chatting to laughing. I swim to the side to get out but just as my upper body is out,Gerry swims over and pulls down my shorts. Everybody laughs as he uses all his strength to rip my shorts clean off. Ashamed i hide my modesty with my hands and run toward the changing room. The lifeguard blows his whistle and sternly says " No running." Humiliated i have to walk round the pool and in the changing room. Gerry has the girl sitting on his shoulders and they are both laughing and pointing. Dejected i head home. Dont think ill go back up there anymore. Id feel abit daft.

blackie_2k5

13th September 2012, 19:37

So yesterday my mate Gerry Flynn gave me a call. He said " Hew Rid we all going to sunderland tonight. We going in drag mate. Me,you,facewithanose and stabber all dressed as lasses. It will be a hoot." I dont want to but in typical Gerry style he convinces me to go. So i go to my female friends and she borrows me a short skirt,low cut top,hold up stockings and high heels. She then does my make up and uses bright red lipstick as a finishing touch. I feel stupid as i get out of the taxi and walk toward the restaurant where Gerry said to meet. I feel even more daft when i walk in and Gerry is dressed normal and is standing with two gorgeous girls. He walks over to me and whispers " Go along with me or there will be hell on." He then shouts so the girls can hear " What the hell have you turned up to a date like that for?" We then walk over and Gerry introduces me to the girls. They are looking at me like im mental. My ' date ' doesnt say a word to me as we sit down for a meal. I feel even worse as i notice ive laddered my stockings. During the whole meal i have to listen to Gerry telling his date the he's " All man" and " Wouldnt dare dress as a woman." Myself and the other girl barely speak. She then stands up and says " Ive got to go. I just remembered ive left the kettle on." She then runs out. Gerrys date then says " Cmon lets leave the tranny and go back to mine." Gerry takes her hand and off they go. I stand to leave when the waiter stops me and says " Madam your bill." Gerry is long gone so i have to pay £200 bill. Cant help but feel like ive been stitched up.

blackie_2k5

13th September 2012, 19:37

Sitting on my own just watching telly and having a nice night. I then get a phone call from my mate Gerry Flynn. He says " Hew Rid mate. You know i kept off the drink to train? Well im in tip top shape now. Me and a few girls are going to have a drink to celebrate how hot i look. You should join us." I dont want to but in typical Gerry style he convinces me. I arrive and Gerry is drinking a can with no shirt on. The girls all have a notepad and biro and are listing what they like best about Gerry. He then turns to me and says " This is best body money can buy. If you have money you can buy anything." To which i reply " You cant buy a dinosaur." The girls burst out laughing and Gerry doesnt seem happy. To my surprise Gerry doesnt react. He simply gives me ten pound and sends me to the shop for more cans and a kinder egg. I return and the music is on full blast. The living room door is slightly ajar. I quickly push it open and bang im covered in ice cold water and a bucket has landed on my head. I cant see anything as i stumble round the room. Gerry then says " Rid over here." I walk toward his voice and i slip on a rollerskate. It sends me flying through the open living room window. I land on the path outside but it is covered in mousetraps. I scream as they all go off all over my body. I finally get the bucket off and manage to pull off the last of the traps. I turn to see Gerry and the girls in hysterics. Gerry then shouts " Dinosaur that you stupid cunt." I think fuck this im going home and i hear the girls laughing and singing " Gerry wins again." You know what they were right.

blackie_2k5

13th September 2012, 19:38

After a weekend on drink i was feeling very rough so i decided to take the dog on a long walk. I walk for a few mile but the country air is doing me no good. I still feel sick as in the distance i see a man and woman on an offroad motorbike. They fly down towards me shouting " Whoop whoop." and " Yeah we are the crazy bikers." As they get closer i see its my mate Gerry Flynn. He pulls up beside me and says " Check out my hot new girlfriend." I look and see a gorgeous brunette on the back of the bike. Gerry then smiles and says " You could never pull a hot girl like my hot babes coz you look like a grieving turtle." Shocked at the unexpected abuse i go bright red as they both laugh. Gerry then moves the bike onto the grass. The back wheel is facing me and i notice its rolled into dog shit. Laughing i point it out to Gerry. He looks behind the suddenly does a huge wheel spin. The force makes the shit fly up and my face and top end up covered in dog eggs. Bits go in my mouth and i instantly vomit. I hear Gerry and his girl laughing as they pull away. Then Gerry shouts " Sucker." as he drives off. Once again i have to walk home covered in shit. Damn you Gerry Flynn.

blackie_2k5

13th September 2012, 19:39

if anyone can be arsed to read any more just post up..and ill grab a few more :y:

Brettles1986

13th September 2012, 20:04

I once posted on Saxp and got ripped for it, it's recently been bumped, the rest is history

DUFC

13th September 2012, 20:17

Dundee fc supposedly are a professional football team.

Nates-VTR

13th September 2012, 20:43

Genius.

jones91

13th September 2012, 21:27

Brilliant :y:

smiith

13th September 2012, 22:06

I once sold a ryobi power drill in the paper.. Then 6 months later, got the same drill back for christmas.. Minus the power pack

Alan's funny story

/AlanPartridge

DAMSK11

13th September 2012, 22:25

Basically I have this friend called Michael and he's a professional dancer so he obviously dances alot. One day he comes up to me and says he has a hurt his leg and I'm like "dude its because you have been dancing too much" and he says no, I think its because I burnt it in the sun yesterday and I was like no, its because of dancing.
Then he said, I think its because I was outside last night, and there wasn't enough moonlight and I fell over and I'm like dude, its because of dancing. Then he says "I think I hurt it having sex, having good times. strained a muscle"

and I just snapped. I said "MICHAEL!
dont blame it on sunshine
dont blame it on moonlight
dont blame it on good times
blame it on the boogie"

:homme:

blackie_2k5

15th September 2012, 15:10

last couple of days.

So yesterday my mate Gerry Flynn rang me up and said he had organised a double date. Im dubious of these type of evenings and instantly refuse. In typical Gerry style he convinces me with the promise they are " Stunners." I arrive at the Kings head pub in lanchester. Shortly after Gerry arrives with a stunning blonde. We sit down and Gerry says " Your date will be here soon. She is called Destiny and she is just your type." I sit excited and Gerry goes to take a call outside. I make small talk with Gerrys date then i hear " Robert meet Destiny." I look up and cannot believe my eyes. Next to Gerry is a man in his late 40s. He is very stocky with tattoos. Wearing a short dress,heels,a ton of make up and a long blonde wig he winks at me. He begins to talk in a high pitch voice so i ask to speak to Gerry alone. I say " Thats a fucking bloke." Gerry replies " No it isnt your being paranoid." I shake my head and go to leave and Gerry shouts " Hew Destiny Robert thinks your a man." Destiny storms over and in a mans voice says " Who you calling a...." Then goes high pitch and says " I mean who you calling a bloke?" I shake my head and turn to leave but Destiny grabs my hair and throws me to the floor. He then picks me and slams me off the floor winding me. Im then dragged by my ankle back to my table and told to sit. I stand up and think fuck this. I punch Destiny straight on the jaw and he drops. The whole pub falls silent. Then all the men start shouting " He hit that lass get him." and " Lets teach the wife beater a lesson." Im chased round lanchester for over 2 hours by an angry mob before i escape. Got a text off Gerry saying " Bad crack hitting that lass mind Rid." Never ever going on blind date again. Total nightmare.

blackie_2k5

15th September 2012, 15:10

This morning my mate Gerry Flynn rang me and told me he needed my help. Im the kind of guy who helps his friends so i rushed up to burnhope. When i arrived Gerry had a huge ladder going onto the roof of his house. He said " I need you to climb on the roof so i can pass you some tiles." I instantly declined as im petrified of heights but in typical Gerry style he convinced me. Just as i was about to go up Gerry said " Im going to have to have the belt off your jeans so i can tie the ladder." I give him my belt and set off very slowly up the ladder. Im shaking so much with fear that my jeans are falling down. I hate having to take a hand off the ladder to pull them back up. Eventually i reach the top and Gerry tells me to put both hands on the guttering. Its old but metal so its very strong so i do as im told. Suddenly Gerry pulls the ladder away and i drop. Im left hanging by the guttering as Gerry laughs. To make matters worse my jeans fall down and im wearing no pants. Im screaming " Help Help." but Gerry is rolling on floor laughing. By now a crowd has gathered so i try and pull myself up. I use all my strength but i cant pull up. I look down and tense up with fear. So much so that i let out a loud fart. To my horror wet shit flys out and runs down my leg. The crowd laugh and i begin to scream and cry. After an hour the fire brigade arrive and get me down. To add insult to injury i hear one of them say " Id be gutted if i was him. Hanging there,shit all over his arse and a cock like a deformed baby prawn. Id be really gutted." You know what i am gutted. Its the last time i go up a ladder.

blackie_2k5

15th September 2012, 15:11

this was wrote on the "go north east" bus service's facebook page lol..

I can honestly say i will never ever use your bus service again in my life. Today i got on the 44 from sacriston to durham. I had to sit near the front of the bus as it was full. As we got closer to durham the bus filled until all standing space was used up. I took a sandwich from my work bag and took a bite. Suddenly a huge fat guy who was standing up next to me farted. It wasnt that loud but i heard it. The smell hit me straight away. It was like rotten egg and wet cabbage. I tried to stand but the driver turned sharp. The fat guy lost his balance and landed on me. He squashed my sandwich and as he stood up he farted again. The smell of egg was twice as bad. When i finally got off i had to get a taxi home and wash the fart off myself and my clothes. I will not go through this again as i wear nice clothes and sandwiches arent cheap. Id sooner get a taxi. — at Go North East

blackie_2k5

15th September 2012, 15:16

So me and my mate Gerry Flynn went for sunday dinner. Gerry had being doing some horrible things to me recently so i decided to get a little payback. We into a pub and sat at a table next to a group of hot girls. A devious plot enters my mind as Gerry orders two beef dinners. Gerry then goes to the toilet and my wicked plan begins. I tell the girls " Watch this." I then loosen the top off the salt shaker. Laughing i tell them " Dont say anything." Gerry comes back and the food arrives. My plan works perfectly and Gerry shakes the salt,the top comes off and the contents land all over his dinner. Myself and the girls begin laughing. Angry Gerry looks at me and says " Did you do that?" I click both my fingers and say " Gotcha." Gerry then stands up and grabs me. I try to wrestle him but he is far to strong. He then drags me to the coat pegs. He pulls up my boxers,lift me up and hooks my pants onto a peg. I scream as he lets go and im hanging by pants. My weight has forced the pants right up my arse and i feel the skin break. Gerry then goes and sits down and tucks into my dinner. Im in agony as Gerry takes a huge bite of beef. The girls are in hysterics as Gerry says " Rid this is lovely. To bad your to busy HANGING AROUND to join me." He finishes and to my amazement walks out with the girls. Two hours later im helped down by two bar staff and a vicar. With my arse bleeding i begin the long walk home. For all of you who told me to get my own back on Gerry thanks for nothing. Listening to you has made it very painful to have a shit and nearly impossible to finger my anus in the shower.

DAMSK11

15th September 2012, 15:52

If I didn't know better I would say you're trying to get your post count up :homme:

jones91

15th September 2012, 17:40

That would be a lot of effort just to get your post count up though :homme:

blackie_2k5

15th September 2012, 17:59

nahh mate..its high enough for me tbh :panic:

just thought id share them as i know alot of ppl on here do night shift etc

its not that theyre massively funny or anything..just the thought etc that goes into writting them haha

blackie_2k5

19th September 2012, 20:55

couple of the recents

I was sitting chilling in my house watching my favorite film. Suddenly i get a phone call from my mate Gerry Flynn. He said " Rid i need your help. Come up mine." I said " Ive just put dirty dancing on. Cant it wait?" To which Gerry replied " No its urgent." So i get ready and i head up burnhope. When i arrive Gerry is standing at his front door. Gerry runs over and tells me that his girlfriend has had to go to hospital. He asked if i would go to his girlfriends house and look after her dog till they got back. So he took me to a house down the street. We went round the back and Gerry climbed through an open window. He opened the back door from the inside and said " She hasnt got this door fixed. I hate climbing through that window." I walk in and Gerry tells me to sit. He puts on the telly and says " Make yourself at home mate. There is cans in the fridge. The dogs upstairs. Just chill drink the cans and eat what you want. I owe you one mate." Gerry leaves and i crack open a can and watch Glee. After an hour i get hungry and go make myself a sarnie and grab a packet of crisps. Just as i sit down with my food and drink i hear the back door open. I think spot on Gerrys back early. Then a woman in her 50s walks in and screams. She turns round and shouts " Lionel there is a robber in the house." A huge man comes running in and grabs me. I try to explain why im there but he says " We dont have a daughter or a fucking dog." He throws me outside and gives me a good kicking. The police arrive as im being put in an ambulance. Lying on stretcher being read my rights,i remember something. I realise Gerry hasnt got a fucking girlfriend. Cant believe i fell for such a simple trick. Once again Gerry has got me. Although this time its my own stupid fault.

blackie_2k5

19th September 2012, 20:57

So last night me and my mate Gerry Flynn decided to go out and watch the match. Gerry recently became a Man city as they won the leauge last season. We went into the queens head pub in lanchester and sat down with our pints. As Gerry was watching the game my eyes were drawn to a gorgeous brunette sitting alone in the corner. We exchanged glances many times till she beckoned me to come over. Gerry didnt even notice as i stood up and strode over to her table. We got chatting and soon realised we had alot in common. The night flew over as we spoke of our shared love of tinned peas and shared hatred of greasy feet. Then the match finished and city had lost. Gerry stood up and said " I support Real Madrid now." He then noticed me sitting with the girl. He walked over to the jukebox,put on sexbomb and then started dancing towards us. His moves were electric. It was ballet with a modern twist. He got to the table and spun round 8 times. He then pushed me off my chair and sat in it. To my horror he began coming on to her. He showed her his biceps and calf muscles and she looked impressed. He then started using his best lines like " Your so pretty that even God fancys you." and " Stars at night dont shine as bright as the delight that is your eyes tonight." I had to watch as he took her by the hand and led her to a taxi that was bound for his house. I guess we hadnt clicked as well as i thought. Gerry text me today and said she wasnt that good in bed and her crack was shite. He doesnt want to see her again and offered me her number. It was a nice offer but i declined. Guess im just to much of a proud man.

blackie_2k5

19th September 2012, 20:59

So yesterday me and my mate Gerry Flynn did the great north run. We had earlier decided that for a laugh we would do it in fancy dress. I chose to do it dressed as a Gorrila. The costume was so hot inside myself and Gerry thought it would be a good idea if i put it on without clothes underneath. We also had a little side bet on who would finish first between us. So i was taken aback when i turned up and Gerry wasnt in fancy dress. He was wearing shorts,vest and running shoes. I asked why he wasnt in fancy dress and he said " I am i came as a runner. Remember winner gets £100 from the loser." We start the race and Gerry takes an early lead. I dont worry as ive trained hard. I pace myself. The course is gruelling and with the finish line in sight i overtake Gerry. The crowd is willing me on and i begin to sprint. Gerry is behind me but i know im going to win. I feel a rush as the finish line draws nearer. This is it, my chance to finally beat Gerry. Then just yards from the finish line,Gerry comes up behind me and pulls down the trousers of my costume. He then kicks the back of my feet. I stumble and fall. I skid across the floor. My knees,legs and privates are covered in cuts and bruises. In agony i look up and see Gerry cross the finish line. The crowd are pointing at me and laughing. Members of St Johns ambulance rush over and im placed on a stretcher. I never got to finish the race. Back home i lay on the couch in agony as Gerry came round and gloated. I told him he was a cheat and with a smirk he replied " We didnt have any rules saying i couldnt pull your pants down. £100 please." I gave him the money and he left laughing as he counted it. One day i will beat him. Maybe not today but soon.