Funny Jokes

[mattfinch]

Bit random but does anyone know any funny jokes just to lighten up the day as its nearly christmas lol :p

[craig180]

I know some.

[Ryan]

PM viper ask for a pic of his cock.

[craig180]

PM Simo's mrs and ask to see her cock

*runs and hides*

[Ryan]

PM Simo's mrs and ask to see her cock

*runs and hides*

Chortle.

[mattfinch]

Not what I had in mind, but ok then lol

[rey]

PM Prickle, he's the resident funny man :y:

[craig180]

PM Prickle, he's the resident funny man :y:

I'd say Gibbo... Oh, wait....

[lukebeard]

never hire a dislexic dwarf!! its not big and its not clever!

[Giraffe]

never hire a dislexic dwarf!! its not big and its not clever!

Or this guy... Don't know how big he is, but he's certainly not clever...

Dyslexic*

[lukebeard]

no im special you bell.

why are pirates called pirates? because they aaaaarrrrrrr

giraffe the spelling police. do us a favor mate go piss on someone elses bonfire

[Ryan]

no im special you bell.

why are pirates called pirates? because they aaaaarrrrrrr

giraffe the spelling police. do us a favor mate go piss on someone elses bonfire

If you are going to make a joke about spelling it generally helps if you can spell mind :zainy:

[lukebeard]

point taken, was rushing before i forgot the joke. (just read this message back twice to check my spelling)

[Giraffe]

no im special you bell.

why are pirates called pirates? because they aaaaarrrrrrr

giraffe the spelling police. do us a favor mate go piss on someone elses bonfire

HOLY SHIT. Tetchy much? I dunno about pissing on bonfires, but someone DEFINITELY pissed in your cornflakes this morning... You need to calm down mate and step away from the keyboard.

[Giraffe]

Ok, here's one...

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

[lukebeard]

point taken, was rushing before i forgot the joke. (just read this message back twice to check my spelling)

also pay day not gone the way i wanted for the xmas period. can i just have a massive fucking rant please? lol

[Giraffe]

also pay day not gone the way i wanted for the xmas period. can i just have a massive fucking rant please? lol

Are you talking to yourself or someone else?

[holdawayt]

When my Indian girlfriend told me she wanted me to give her a facial, I nearly came on the spot.

[lukebeard]

why did katie price marry a cage fighter? because she needed someone strong enough to stop harvey from fucking her

[Piggie]

why did katie price marry a cage fighter? because she needed someone strong enough to stop harvey from fucking her

At least use your own not Frankie Boyle's....

[knight-22]

also pay day not gone the way i wanted for the xmas period.

http://www.quickquid.co.uk/ Don't actually use that.

can i just have a massive fucking rant please? lol

Well everyone else seems to..

[Brettles1986]

Ok, here's one...

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?


Go on ................... I know I know

[Giraffe]

Go on ................... I know I know

Did you quote the wrong post?

[Brettles1986]

Did you quote the wrong post?

Ah shit yeah!

Will edit.

[Prickle]

never hire a dislexic dwarf!! its not big and its not clever!

Or this guy... Don't know how big he is, but he's certainly not clever...

Dyslexic*

no im special you bell.

why are pirates called pirates? because they aaaaarrrrrrr

giraffe the spelling police. do us a favor mate go piss on someone elses bonfire

If you are going to make a joke about spelling it generally helps if you can spell mind :zainy:

hur hur hurrrrr

[lukebeard]

http://www.quickquid.co.uk/ Don't actually use that.



Well everyone else seems to..

hahaha

[Brettles1986]

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the various social sessions over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a large whiskey. Not a good idea.
Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home.
Sure enough I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.

I have never driven a taxi before and am still not sure where I got it.

[mattfinch]

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the various social sessions over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a large whiskey. Not a good idea.
Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home.
Sure enough I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.

I have never driven a taxi before and am still not sure where I got it.

haha thats a good one lol ^^

[Brettles1986]

The importance of a second opinion


A man goes tothe doctor having suffered severe headaches for years.


The doctorsaid, "Bill, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Bill was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he feltlike he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Bill laughed,"That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60years!" the tailor said. Bill tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.

As Bill admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Bill thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Bill and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."Bill was surprised, "That's right, how did you know? Been in the business 60 years." Bill tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Bill walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Bill thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36." Bill laughed, "Ah ha! Igot you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - £400
New shirt - £36
New underwear - £6
Second Opinion –PRICELESS

[lukebeard]

wot kind of bees make milk?








BOOBIES!!

[Llardy]

If you are going to make a joke about spelling it generally helps if you can spell mind :zainy:

But surely if it's a joke about dyslexia it makes sense to spell it wrong anyway?

[Sexysaxojames]

Lol some a quite good

[desire1]

i like my women like my skies............

rented, with a bit of wax on the bottom

[0rang3peel]

i like my women like my skies............

rented, with a bit of wax on the bottom

:wacko:.

ski's otherwise that makes literally no sense

[Spanky]

whats the best xmas present you could ever get?

a broken drum, you just cant beat it!

badum tshh

[griff_106]

One for the cat lovers... ;)

I knocked on my neighbour's door this morning and said, "I'm terribly sorry, but I've just hit your cat."

"Oh no," she cried, "Is he in a bad way?"

"Put it this way," I said, "My cricket bat snapped in half."

[12u55]

www.sickipedia.org Knock yourself out.

[12u55]

An old guy slips and falls outside 10 Downing Street just as David Cameron is coming out to get in his car.

Cameron helps the old guy to his feet.

"Thanks," he says.

"If you really want to thank me,"says Cameron, "just vote for me and my party in the next election."

"Listen, mate," says the old guy. "I landed on my arse not my fucking head."







I was in Tesco recently, when I bumped into this woman I'd started dating:

"Oi, you told me you were in the Red Arrows" she said.

"No I didn't" I said, arranging the washing powder, "I told you I was in the Ariel display team."


My wife crashed the car whilst listening to Adele last night.

She ended up rolling in the jeep.

[yeahbuddy]

My new German girlfriend gives me marks out of ten when we have sex. Last night for example I shoved it right up her arse and she yelled nine, nine, nine. My best score yet :-)