Ideas for London 2012 - Saxperience

MikeCracknell · 10th August 2008, 21:41

Well, now that we have bugger all chance of even vaguely coming within 1000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 light years of the Beijing games, thought I might collect some ideas for the Opening Ceremony.... Add your own

Opening ceremony is to show all about a country's history and culture, from the beginning to today.

I think it should start with a river of beer (or white lightning??) flowing through the stadium, with at least 100 12 years olds pissed out their faces lying on the floor, and their girlfriends (no older than 12 with all their children with them) fighting and being mouthy to the police.

Perhaps the Olympic flame should be an old abandoned car?

At no point can an English/Scottish/Irish/Welsh/Channel island flag be shown as it may offend the minorities in Britain.

The languages used over the tannoy system is usually French, English then local language(s). So by then, it will be French, English, Polish, Hindi, Arabic, Zulu and throw in US English too so that our REAL rulers will appreciate us.

The long jump pits will be used to store building sand in them, so that during the games, while construction work on the stadium continues, there is a plentiful supply.

All the running tracks will be coned off, going from 8 to 1 lane, with a contraflow and temporary lights in operation.

High energy drinks will have a 75% tac added for the government.

Public transport will be running - late, untidy and very expensive - it will be cheaper and you will have more of a chance of survival if you drive in. (Range Rovers etc will be more welcome, as it shows off how snobby England is!)

Any other ideas I can submit to Seb Coe etc?

Mike

Jazz · 10th August 2008, 21:45

You're pretty much on the ball Mike, agree with your ideas. If we even tried to get near the Beijing opening ceremony (which was bloody incredible), it would reduce us hardworking tax-payers into desperate poverty...

Yates · 10th August 2008, 21:46

i think a terrorist bomb attack would suit this country down to the ground

Mitchell · 10th August 2008, 21:51

women must be nude at all times or they can GTFO

MrHouston^p · 10th August 2008, 21:56

Quote:

The languages used over the tannoy system is usually French, English then local language(s). So by then, it will be French, English, Polish, Hindi, Arabic, Zulu and throw in US English too so that our REAL rulers will appreciate us.

Ahaha so true.

Repped for everything you said

MikeCracknell · 10th August 2008, 21:58

TBH I am embarrased to be British - because I KNOW what an utter shambles the whole thing will be, it will say to the world "look how pathetic we are at holding a piss up"

Paris should have won it, they would have done a far better job and we wouldn't have to waster £40 BILLION on hosting it! Regeneration MY ARSE!

Daffron · 10th August 2008, 21:59

Awesome post !

Furio_Rob · 10th August 2008, 22:00

caution needs to be taken when 'inviting' countries to compete, cos any black or even slightly ethnic person will be shot by police if they're seen running

yes this includes brazillians

lol mike wish i could rep you again

thats well funny

Ashleyp · 10th August 2008, 22:01

saxp drive round the stadium for opening ceremony

they will all cheer us and wish they were as cool

MikeCracknell · 10th August 2008, 22:03

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ashleyp

saxp drive round the stadium for opening ceremony

they will all cheer us and wish they were as cool

They porbably would let us - but we'd have to have McDonalds trays under the back wheels and be doing handbrake turns - British Culture -Woohoo, another idea - thank you

nufc_lad · 10th August 2008, 22:05

The Big Brother 2012 winner will light the olympic flame

Ashleyp · 10th August 2008, 22:14

Quote:

Originally Posted by MikeCracknell

They porbably would let us - but we'd have to have McDonalds trays under the back wheels and be doing handbrake turns - British Culture -Woohoo, another idea - thank you

*rushes to halfrauds for some lexarse lightzz and ripspeed stuff*

olympics here i come

Furio_Rob · 10th August 2008, 22:15

there'd have to be some kind of phone-in scam, involving ant and dec or simon cowell some how

MikeCracknell · 10th August 2008, 22:16

There will be a BP Price stand thing too with £5.59.9 per litre of Unleaded in the middle during that part too.

We could also have a Dole Queue and a machine that showers bank notes over lazy slobs on sofas in the centre of the arena too - again, another accurate depiction of Britain!

Josh_24 · 10th August 2008, 22:25

all the athletes are going have to wear stab proof vests and not look at anyone just in case they 'gave em a dirty look'

MikeCracknell · 10th August 2008, 22:26

Oh god yeah, I forgot about that.

We'll need a massive knife and a gun - that will depict inner city life too!

nufc_lad · 10th August 2008, 22:28

The national anthems will be played of mobile phone's by chavs sitting at back of the stadium

Josh_24 · 10th August 2008, 22:29

Quote:

Originally Posted by MikeCracknell

Oh god yeah, I forgot about that.

We'll need a massive knife and a gun - that will depict inner city life too!

and the words 'iz u dizzee blud' in massive letters

MikeCracknell · 10th August 2008, 22:32

The NEW Jerusalem for London 2012:

"And did those knives, in modern times,
Stab upon Englands inn-o-cent,
And were the bullets from the guns,
Shooting inncoent children,
And did the cops do nothing,
And did the law protect them all?
And was London builded here,
Among those discarded empty bullets"

Furio_Rob · 10th August 2008, 22:37

the stadium will need to have at least 20 different sections, for the UK supporters alone............cos after all you can have mackems/geordies together or any other kind of rivalry