Most embarrassing sexual experience? NSFW (back again!)

[Jaytee]

Yeah a mate of mine now point black refuses to go down on any girl after he down down on one at uni whi was on blob. Dirty said it was all in his beard and everything, Fuckk that lol.

[saxomad197]

banging a girls pulled out and had a lump of blood stuck to my helmet. made me feel sick

[23carragold]

banging a girls pulled out and had a lump of blood stuck to my helmet. Made me feel sick

Stop bumping old threads you idiot. Fuck sake.

[Moke]

Stop bumping old threads you idiot. Fuck sake.

+1 lol.

You have too much time on your hands ;)

[23carragold]

+1 lol.

You have too much time on your hands ;)

I need your love..

[Moke]

I need your love..

You can have it :hug:

And stop bumping the thread ;) Haha!

[23carragold]

You can have it :hug:

And stop bumping the thread ;) Haha!

:oops:

Fankku

[saxomad197]

talking of all this has anyone been caught having a danger wank or a risky wank

Danger wank: Start wanking in your room and then shout down to your mum to come up, you have to finish before she gets there or she'll catch you

Risky wank: Wanking in bed while ur partner is asleep trying not to wake them

had a risky wank with my ex put a dvd on to thought she was asleep if was even better than risky i sprayed it on her butt too then wiped it off iam not joking. (she a deep sleeper). found out later that day she was betending to be asleep as she said it out aloud in front of my mates and their gfs what i did. haha my mate dan thought it was funny he was the only one laughing.

[D--R--E--W]

Risky wank ftw!!!

[petrolhead_19]

broke my banjo 3 times it hurt haha

shagging a fat bird and didnt even feel the sides, she was moaning i just kind of got up said "sorry love your too slack" walked out lol

shagging an ex up the wrong un and kinda ripped her, she was shitting blood for 3 days lmao

got caught by an ex's mum shagging in the front room, just as she walked in my banjo broke blood every were, soooo embarresing.

shagging my current missus in a field, only to look the other way and notice 2 old ppl walking there dogs stood there watching us lol.

[Moke]

broke my banjo 3 times it hurt haha

shagging a fat bird and didnt even feel the sides, she was moaning i just kind of got up said "sorry love your too slack" walked out lol

shagging an ex up the wrong un and kinda ripped her, she was shitting blood for 3 days lmao

got caught by an ex's mum shagging in the front room, just as she walked in my banjo broke blood every were, soooo embarresing.

shagging my current missus in a field, only to look the other way and notice 2 old ppl walking there dogs stood there watching us lol.

L M F A O

I love how honest you are! :clapping:

[saxomad197]

Stop bumping old threads you idiot. Fuck sake.

sorry sir would you like me to kiss youre hairy butt would that be a good way to say sorry? 1+ post to you

[Cammy]

had a risky wank with my ex put a dvd on to thought she was asleep if was even better than risky i sprayed it on her butt too then wiped it off iam not joking. (she a deep sleeper). found out later that day she was betending to be asleep as she said it out aloud in front of my mates and their gfs what i did. haha my mate dan thought it was funny he was the only one laughing.


Lol

simmilar experience

[VTomR]

broke my banjo 3 times it hurt haha

shagging a fat bird and didnt even feel the sides, she was moaning i just kind of got up said "sorry love your too slack" walked out lol

shagging an ex up the wrong un and kinda ripped her, she was shitting blood for 3 days lmao

got caught by an ex's mum shagging in the front room, just as she walked in my banjo broke blood every were, soooo embarresing.

shagging my current missus in a field, only to look the other way and notice 2 old ppl walking there dogs stood there watching us lol.

Dude stop going in dry! :fcuk:

[D--R--E--W]

Dude stop going in dry! :fcuk:

Or learn how to get her wet....

[23carragold]

sorry sir would you like me to kiss youre hairy butt would that be a good way to say sorry? 1+ post to you

LOL

It seems as though you have nothing better to do than spam old threads tbh. Learn to spell while you're at it too.

[Viper]

Or learn how to get her wet....


http://www.johnstowngardencentre.ie/product_images/red_watercan_S.jpg

[D--R--E--W]

Yes Tommy, that's what I meant... If that's the only way you can get a female wet then....


Notice I put female as I didn't know what age bracket to put forward since it's you :)

[saxomad197]

LOL

It seems as though you have nothing better to do than spam old threads tbh. Learn to spell while you're at it too.

i didnt notice i was looking for the hot girl thread. this came up. thanks for the advice i make sure i got my spell check on.:clapping:

[manta]

girl's shit nuggets on my floor, never again.

[LeeM]

in ibiza, half the hotel was on the other side of the camera after my room mates decided we were having a party...

http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y273/leeemaddison/37385_137302532960217_100000414138486_281919_41023 0_n.jpg

[TheVtrKid]

girl's shit nuggets on my floor, never again.

lol ye shagged a bird once that i met in town, smelt somet n thought wtf is that, she turned over and to my surprise was a bit of poo on the bedsheet. I said i'm just off for a piss love, grabbed my clothes and legged it.

[adamm]

lol ye shagged a bird once that i met in town, smelt somet n thought wtf is that, she turned over and to my surprise was a bit of poo on the bedsheet. I said i'm just off for a piss love, grabbed my clothes and legged it.

pahaha fuck that u shud of backhanded her shoved her face in the shit and called her a dirty cow! then legged it

[manta]

lol ye shagged a bird once that i met in town, smelt somet n thought wtf is that, she turned over and to my surprise was a bit of poo on the bedsheet. I said i'm just off for a piss love, grabbed my clothes and legged it.

:clapping: good man I was like wtf? There's shit nuggets on my carpet!

Horrible situation, spunked in her hair for payback :D

[TheVtrKid]

:clapping: good man I was like wtf? There's shit nuggets on my carpet!

Horrible situation, spunked in her hair for payback :D

I'm too nice to do that adamm lol.

haha you mean you could actually finish? lol. I wasnt in the mood after i saw that, thought fuck it ill go have a wank instead lol.

[manta]

I'm too nice to do that adamm lol.

haha you mean you could actually finish? lol. I wasnt in the mood after i saw that, thought fuck it ill go have a wank instead lol.

Ye it was rank but I could still finish, even after pulling out with shit nuggets on tow :D

Spunking in hair was a must, my carpet is nice.

[jw1325]

back in the days... when i had just got the pug...

i was away a drive with a certain mechanic who one day became my boyfriend, but thats a different story...

and we were in a certain industrial estate in Broxburn, and i had no sooner finished sucking him off, than the police knocked on his pugs window, and caught us, me with my top off, him with his keks down, and me covered int he white stuff

oops.

that was the 'so how did you two meet' story that NEVER got told....


how times change lawlz

[saxo_tom1234]

back in the days... when i had just got the pug...

i was away a drive with a certain mechanic who one day became my boyfriend, but thats a different story...

and we were in a certain industrial estate in Broxburn, and i had no sooner finished sucking him off, than the police knocked on his pugs window, and caught us, me with my top off, him with his keks down, and me covered int he white stuff

oops.

that was the 'so how did you two meet' story that NEVER got told....


how times change lawlz


you can cum give me a blowjob :P

[MunkyBoy]

you can cum give me a blowjob :P

I knew somebody was going to say this! Ahaha... The predictability of Sax-P'ers is beautiful.

[TipTopTom]

I was thinking about it, but she might be the one on the left...

[MunkyBoy]

She's the one on the right.. but its all the same if you close your eyes...

[saxo_tom1234]

there both beautiful to me

[TipTopTom]

Who cares about the mantlepiece when you're poking the fire?

The right? Then you're right. It was a matter of time :P

[saxo_tom1234]

Who cares about the mantlepiece when you're poking the fire?


me casue it could be susan boyle or even worse vipers rear

[Viper]

me casue it could be susan boyle or even worse vipers rear

Nothing wrong with my rear...

[saxo_tom1234]

Nothing wrong with my rear...

nowt right with ya face either :P

[Viper]

nowt right with ya face either :P

A face only a mother could love :A:

Just that in this case, it's your mother ;)

[saxo_tom1234]

A face only a mother could love :A:

Just that in this case, it's your mother ;)

i know shes old now but didnt realise she had done blind and desprate

[L20VTS]

someone please explain snapped banjo? never seen it happen to a lad but don't sound good lol

[jw1325]

its the little bit of skin that holda the foreskin to the shaft underneath.... where it kinda goes into a V if you pull the foreskin right back ;)

human biology ha

[L20VTS]

what and it just snaps lol! sounds painful hahaha

[jw1325]

She's the one on the right.. but its all the same if you close your eyes...

how do you know?

I was thinking about it, but she might be the one on the left...

im the one on the right lol

[saxo_tom1234]

Fone number?

[haz_pro]

Haha, a guy who was going out with an ex colleagues banjo snapped and its now prone to snapping hahaha.

poor chap.

[jw1325]

Fone number?

ill give you 9 digits and you can guess the last two lawlz

[tom130691]

ill give you 9 digits and you can guess the last two lawlz

ok i guess 07............... so whats the next nine lol

[Viper]

ok i guess 07............... so whats the next nine lol

LOL! Nice one :y:

I can't see you getting the rest though.

[jw1325]

ok i guess 07............... so whats the next nine lol

No... i said id give you the FIRST 9... and youd have to guess the last two.

can only be somewhere up to 99....

ha

[Viper]

No... i said id give you the FIRST 9... and youd have to guess the last two.



No you didn't ;)


ill give you 9 digits and you can guess the last two lawlz

[Robbie-Flat-Arch]

had this happen sunday morning basically i was house sitting so had the misses come over saturday for the nite had a nice bath and gave her a shave and had some fun then in the morning she was up for some more so i was licking her out for about 20mins but was a bit of a stubble to find out my tongue was bleeding and a bit painful lol she thought she has come on but then we saw it was my tongue and just laughed about it lol

[LeeM]

had this happen sunday morning basically i was house sitting so had the misses come over saturday for the nite had a nice bath and gave her a shave and had some fun then in the morning she was up for some more so i was licking her out for about 20mins but was a bit of a stubble to find out my tongue was bleeding and a bit painful lol she thought she has come on but then we saw it was my tongue and just laughed about it lol


WTF!?!?! whats her hair made of to make your tongue bleed?
and also, if youre licking stubbly bits youre licking the wrong bits

[Robbie-Flat-Arch]

WTF!?!?! whats her hair made of to make your tongue bleed?
and also, if youre licking stubbly bits youre licking the wrong bits


haha its just such a small stubble it feels razor sharp lol and nah im pretty sure its right never failed yet anyway just never taken that long either lol

[adamm]

had this happen sunday morning basically i was house sitting so had the misses come over saturday for the nite had a nice bath and gave her a shave and had some fun then in the morning she was up for some more so i was licking her out for about 20mins but was a bit of a stubble to find out my tongue was bleeding and a bit painful lol she thought she has come on but then we saw it was my tongue and just laughed about it lol

lol how long was you going for? iv only ever had a sore tounge underneath and thats after going at it for a while. makes it hard to talk properly the next day sometimes aswell

[Robbie-Flat-Arch]

lol how long was you going for? iv only ever had a sore tounge underneath and thats after going at it for a while. makes it hard to talk properly the next day sometimes aswell


haha yep felt like i had just had loads of needles but in my tongue!! never taken her that long but might be different being first thing in the morning i know for next time!!

[adamm]

haha yep felt like i had just had loads of needles but in my tongue!! never taken her that long but might be different being first thing in the morning i know for next time!!

naaa fuck licking out in the morning man thats not right. i meant after lciking out like mad at night the next day get a achy and the bit under the tounge gets sore. think i stretch abit to much the missus loves it when the tounge goes in not just clit licking haha

[Robbie-Flat-Arch]

haha my tongue isnt long enough for that so its just the clit for me but fuck doing it again when the stubble is around god it hurt but just didnt want to stop lol and i know what u mean with the aching tongue aswel that can be a bit painful lol

[Peter_D]

Eating out is fucking rank i hate it

The total time i've done it probably equates to about 40 seconds, i hate it my stomach can't handle it

And LOL at him ^^ licking the dry hard stubbley bit of the clunge...you're doing it wrong y0

[Robbie-Flat-Arch]

Eating out is fucking rank i hate it

The total time i've done it probably equates to about 40 seconds, i hate it my stomach can't handle it

And LOL at him ^^ licking the dry hard stubbley bit of the clunge...you're doing it wrong y0

lol erm well after a few years and her enjoying it i cnt be doing it wrong lol just bad stubble lol

[adamm]

Eating out is fucking rank i hate it

The total time i've done it probably equates to about 40 seconds, i hate it my stomach can't handle it

And LOL at him ^^ licking the dry hard stubbley bit of the clunge...you're doing it wrong y0

what if u was getting a bj at the same time?

[Peter_D]

I would instantly go flacid and then i'd go and brush my teeth

[adamm]

blimey wimp it ent that bad!
i actually quite enjoy it tbh

[0rang3peel]

Morning mouth full of poon is pretty grotty tbh but I suppose a morning mouthful of dick is just as bad, specially when I pretend I have showered when in reality I just ran 10 miles.

[finny_vts]

haha pissa

[D--R--E--W]

Nothing wrong with munching some rug

[Peter_D]

I hate it, i honestly would rather eat a square metre section of carpet, aslong as it was a new carpet

[K17NEY]

I hate it, i honestly would rather eat a square metre section of carpet, aslong as it was a new carpet]

Hi peter

[Peter_D]

Hello Kit lad x

I'm back to work tomorrow if you didn't already know!

[JamesR]

This is one of the funniest threads on here tbh

[jw1325]

Eating out is fucking rank i hate it

The total time i've done it probably equates to about 40 seconds, i hate it my stomach can't handle it

And LOL at him ^^ licking the dry hard stubbley bit of the clunge...you're doing it wrong y0

i agree peter, i hate getn it its disgusting. No thanks...

[Peter_D]

You love VTEC, and hate getting munched on...ahh the perfect girl LOL :zainy:

[K17NEY]

i agree peter, i hate getn it its disgusting. No thanks...

You must be a right hoot in the bedroom..

So im guessing your not partial to giving rim jobs then peter?

[Peter_D]

:ill::ill::ill:

[D--R--E--W]

:ill::ill::ill:

Post count ftw?

[samjac68]

this thread is a fucking crease lol

[tweedie]

had this happen sunday morning basically i was house sitting so had the misses come over saturday for the nite had a nice bath and gave her a shave and had some fun

You shave your girlfriend?

[23carragold]

You shave your girlfriend?

The thought of this is fucking repulsive..

[TomT]

Snapped Banjo string several times.

I've only done this once. My penis was never the same again...


Most embarassing sexual experience? :/ Only thing I can think of is flopping.

Makes you want to kill yourself tbh

[Peter_D]

The thought of this is fucking repulsive..

I find it really odd too

I can just picture him in the heat of the moment, giving her a bit of a rub to warm her up, then she drops her duds and lies back, gagging for the tail, when all of a sudden he whips out his...shaving foam and Gillette Mach 3, and starts giving her a trim

Wierdo

[stinkycheese]

Just the other day I failed miserably. It was a bad case of narcotic induced flaccidness. Was getting my todger pulled for about 20 minutes and he stayed completely limp. I felt pathetic. Infact, I still feel like a fag.

[23carragold]

I find it really odd too

I can just picture him in the heat of the moment, giving her a bit of a rub to warm her up, then she drops her duds and lies back, gagging for the tail, when all of a sudden he whips out his...shaving foam and Gillette Mach 3, and starts giving her a trim

Wierdo

LOL.

Just the other day I failed miserably. It was a bad case of narcotic induced flaccidness. Was getting my todger pulled for about 20 minutes and he stayed completely limp. I felt pathetic. Infact, I still feel like a fag.


Faggot.

[jw1325]

You love VTEC, and hate getting munched on...ahh the perfect girl LOL :zainy:

only for you babe <3

and i ride cannons

[stinkycheese]

only for you babe <3

and i ride cannons

You're pure filth. Can I spit in your mouth and arse fuck you whilst applying a rape choke?
Too far?

[jw1325]

You're pure filth. Can I spit in your mouth and arse fuck you whilst applying a rape choke?
Too far?

its saxp. you can never go too far.


the line that your 'not meant to cross'... isnt a line for us saxp'rs, its our first target...

[L20VTS]

its saxp. you can never go too far.


the line that your 'not meant to cross'... isnt a line for us saxp'rs, its our first target...


soo very true lol!

[stinkycheese]

its saxp. you can never go too far.


the line that your 'not meant to cross'... isnt a line for us saxp'rs, its our first target...

Awesome, for a second I thought I might have spent too long with the /b/rothers.
Soooo...is that a yes?

[jw1325]

Awesome, for a second I thought I might have spent too long with the /b/rothers.
Soooo...is that a yes?

its a cyber yes hahahahahahahahaha

[Robbie-Flat-Arch]

You shave your girlfriend?

nothing wrong with giving her a shave before it, have a bath together and do it there seems good to me lol

[stinkycheese]

its a cyber yes hahahahahahahahaha

Pm me a slutty pic then and I'll get cracking...

http://www.officialdatingresource.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/03/yoda-fleshlight.jpg
No joke

[W103_A5H]

Pm me a slutty pic then and I'll get cracking...

http://www.officialdatingresource.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/03/yoda-fleshlight.jpg
No joke


LOL! what the actual fuck! thats disturbing... :S

[W103_A5H]

All you saxo boys are virgins, u dont know how to fkuck u gay boys

Wow your'e mature :y: shame your'e banned allready though by the looks of it ..

[bald24]

lmao :L

[Peter_D]

Pm me a slutty pic then and I'll get cracking...

http://www.officialdatingresource.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/03/yoda-fleshlight.jpg
No joke

I have that same setup in my room except mine has a picture of Darth Vader

He fucking loves it

[petrolhead_19]

Or learn how to get her wet....


couldnt be arsed tryin to just wanted to get it and have my way and go to sleep haha was wankered lmao

[petrolhead_19]

L M F A O

I love how honest you are! :clapping:

honesty is the best policy ;) lmao

[kc-saxo]

A lad from my class when i was at school shagged a Primary 7 when he was in 4th year, she told him she was 15 lol

[ReCoNoR]

A lad from my class when i was at school shagged a Primary 7 when he was in 4th year, she told him she was 15 lol

Must've been tight. And a bloody mess.

[D--R--E--W]

Must've been tight. And a bloody mess.

Can only imagine....

[MAXSTARR]

A lad from my class when i was at school shagged a Primary 7 when he was in 4th year, she told him she was 15 lol

wtf, am i not understanding this? a boy in first school (year 4), fucked a girl in year 7 (middle school)?

[D--R--E--W]

wtf, am i not understanding this? a boy in first school (year 4), fucked a girl in year 7 (middle school)?

4th year up here is the year you're in when you are 15/16 year old...

Primary 1-7
secondary 1st year - 6th year

[MAXSTARR]

4th year up here is the year you're in when you are 15/16 year old...

Primary 1-7
secondary 1st year - 6th year

ohhhhh soooooo a year 11 (aged 15/16) fucked a year 6 (11-12 year old) ??

we've only just got the 2 tier school system round here, i think its shit personally, thats why i dont understand it.

[kc-saxo]

Worse thing is she hadn't even started her jams at all, so she was still more of a pre puberty child.
He said she wasn't bad though

[MAXSTARR]

Worse thing is she hadn't even started her jams at all, so she was still more of a pre puberty child.
He said she wasn't bad though

mate, my above quote's correct, thats a HUGE high 5 and uber man points from my direction!!!!!!!!!!!!! LEGEND

[D--R--E--W]

So in an ideal world, it's pre-schoolers all the way then Max

[Lister1]

Seriously if a girl shit on me I would break her face

AHHA rofl

[jw1325]

Drew got caught shagging his Wimpy burger at the meet on Sunday.

id say that was pretty embarressing for him?

[Peter_D]

A lad from my class when i was at school shagged a Primary 7 when he was in 4th year, she told him she was 15 lol

I wasn't in your class, silly

[D--R--E--W]

Drew got caught shagging his Wimpy burger at the meet on Sunday.

id say that was pretty embarressing for him?

I didn't get caught...:S

[Peter_D]

What like was the wimpy burger, any good? Tight?

I tried working my charm on one once, but got sent packing... Ended up going home with a cheese baguette, but i was drunk to be fair

[Liamm]

i currently have a 13 year old from scotland saying she wants to lose her virginity to me, i was in blackpool with mates for a few days and ended up getting with her the night i met her, got her number and stuff, never once thought to ask her age, she looked 15-16ish, when she told me she was 13 i was like woah! you got a nice rack for a 13 year old! ( :P )
and news somehow seems to have got around part of burnley that i got a blowjob off her ( i didnt) , so now its "Liam did you really get a blowjob off a 13 year old?" everywhere i go. I just say yeah and she was amazing :P

going back next year to break that bitch!

[Peter_D]

i currently have a 13 year old from scotland saying she wants to lose her virginity to me, i was in blackpool with mates for a few days and ended up getting with her the night i met her, got her number and stuff, never once thought to ask her age, she looked 15-16ish, when she told me she was 13 i was like woah! you got a nice rack for a 13 year old! ( :P )
and news somehow seems to have got around part of burnley that i got a blowjob off her ( i didnt) , so now its "Liam did you really get a blowjob off a 13 year old?" everywhere i go. I just say yeah and she was amazing :P

going back next year to break that bitch!

Where abouts in Scotland? Hook me up lad :cool:

[McGuire86]

i currently have a 13 year old from scotland saying she wants to lose her virginity to me, i was in blackpool with mates for a few days and ended up getting with her the night i met her, got her number and stuff, never once thought to ask her age, she looked 15-16ish, when she told me she was 13 i was like woah! you got a nice rack for a 13 year old! ( :P )
and news somehow seems to have got around part of burnley that i got a blowjob off her ( i didnt) , so now its "Liam did you really get a blowjob off a 13 year old?" everywhere i go. I just say yeah and she was amazing :P

going back next year to break that bitch!

that meant to be a joke ?

[MAXSTARR]

i currently have a 13 year old from scotland saying she wants to lose her virginity to me, i was in blackpool with mates for a few days and ended up getting with her the night i met her, got her number and stuff, never once thought to ask her age, she looked 15-16ish, when she told me she was 13 i was like woah! you got a nice rack for a 13 year old! ( :P )
and news somehow seems to have got around part of burnley that i got a blowjob off her ( i didnt) , so now its "Liam did you really get a blowjob off a 13 year old?" everywhere i go. I just say yeah and she was amazing :P

going back next year to break that bitch!

i say we all gangbang her on the SaxP Xmas do

[Lacey_106]

GAy ganggbang?

Include me?

[VTR-GAZzA]

GAy ganggbang?

Include me?

you would be up for a gangbang ;)
lol just read like all of this thread its great lol

[D--R--E--W]

Lacey makes promises she can't keep

[Heftydanielson]

This thread is a win...
:P

[stevenet15]

I was out shopping and a girl text me that i had been dying to shag for ages telling me she had a free house for a couple of hours and to call round, so left the shopping center and headed stright to hers with out time for a tackticle wank before i went. anyways i had been gagging for this bird for ages so was allready excited, we got stight down to things and i was only humping her for around 2 mins before i got that feeling like i was gona cum, shit i thought so decided to help delay it by changing positions to give my cock a 10 seconds rest to subside the feeling, but as i pulled out the sliding out motion took me past the point of no return and without her knowing i bolted my load into my hand. i quickly got myself back inside her in doggy and managed to hump away at her for 4-5min and while doing so i was wiping my cummy hand down the side of her bed, then i could feel myself going soft so faked cumming haha. Safe to say the next session i had with her was alot better and put in a proper performance, but she never said anything about the dry cum stains down the side of her bed, must have looked like spider webs!

[Peter_D]

I was out shopping and a girl text me that i had been dying to shag for ages telling me she had a free house for a couple of hours and to call round, so left the shopping center and headed stright to hers with out time for a tackticle wank before i went. anyways i had been gagging for this bird for ages so was allready excited, we got stight down to things and i was only humping her for around 2 mins before i got that feeling like i was gona cum, shit i thought so decided to help delay it by changing positions to give my cock a 10 seconds rest to subside the feeling, but as i pulled out the sliding out motion took me past the point of no return and without her knowing i bolted my load into my hand. i quickly got myself back inside her in doggy and managed to hump away at her for 4-5min and while doing so i was wiping my cummy hand down the side of her bed, then i could feel myself going soft so faked cumming haha. Safe to say the next session i had with her was alot better and put in a proper performance, but she never said anything about the dry cum stains down the side of her bed, must have looked like spider webs!

LMFAO

I call it the point of no return aswell, it's a very thin line which takes alot of practise to be able to get to the brink of the point and just stop.. It's wierd how you can do that, but one more thrust and the inevitable happens

Did she not wonder why there was no cum inside her?

[Sophia_Bush]

bump this bad boy back up

[VTR-GAZzA]

I was out shopping and a girl text me that i had been dying to shag for ages telling me she had a free house for a couple of hours and to call round, so left the shopping center and headed stright to hers with out time for a tackticle wank before i went. anyways i had been gagging for this bird for ages so was allready excited, we got stight down to things and i was only humping her for around 2 mins before i got that feeling like i was gona cum, shit i thought so decided to help delay it by changing positions to give my cock a 10 seconds rest to subside the feeling, but as i pulled out the sliding out motion took me past the point of no return and without her knowing i bolted my load into my hand. i quickly got myself back inside her in doggy and managed to hump away at her for 4-5min and while doing so i was wiping my cummy hand down the side of her bed, then i could feel myself going soft so faked cumming haha. Safe to say the next session i had with her was alot better and put in a proper performance, but she never said anything about the dry cum stains down the side of her bed, must have looked like spider webs!

i was in tears reading this :fcuk:

[K17NEY]

I was out shopping and a girl text me that i had been dying to shag for ages telling me she had a free house for a couple of hours and to call round, so left the shopping center and headed stright to hers with out time for a tackticle wank before i went. anyways i had been gagging for this bird for ages so was allready excited, we got stight down to things and i was only humping her for around 2 mins before i got that feeling like i was gona cum, shit i thought so decided to help delay it by changing positions to give my cock a 10 seconds rest to subside the feeling, but as i pulled out the sliding out motion took me past the point of no return and without her knowing i bolted my load into my hand. i quickly got myself back inside her in doggy and managed to hump away at her for 4-5min and while doing so i was wiping my cummy hand down the side of her bed, then i could feel myself going soft so faked cumming haha. Safe to say the next session i had with her was alot better and put in a proper performance, but she never said anything about the dry cum stains down the side of her bed, must have looked like spider webs!

Funniest line ive ever read!!

[K17NEY]

Not really a bad experience but a funny one. I was face fucking my ex (litterally), I was straddled over her face, her hands on my arse as i pumped her mouth. Just as i was blowing my load she decided to breath in, Choking on my mayo, And coffing it on my stomach. Funnily enough she didnt let me do it again!

[Matt67]

Was with my ex and she was into some kinky stuff, was using what can only be described as heavy duty handcuffs, fuck knows where she got them, maybe she fucked a copper who knows! But basically I handcuffed her and then after a while she was so wound up she wanted her hands back... drama struck when i couldnt find the key...she started having a panic attack.. didnt help me laughing my balls off.. after i realised it was serious... Que me running around the kitchen trying cutlery too saw threw it! Nothing could get threw these badboys! I ended up panic calling her dad to ask for advice, he then came home... I then had to dress my ex but obviously with her hands tied to the bed i just put a shirt over her head and some shorts on... He got a saw from the shed and powered threw it... what an evenin

[D--R--E--W]

Was with my ex and she was into some kinky stuff, was using what can only be described as heavy duty handcuffs, fuck knows where she got them, maybe she fucked a copper who knows! But basically I handcuffed her and then after a while she was so wound up she wanted her hands back... drama struck when i couldnt find the key...she started having a panic attack.. didnt help me laughing my balls off.. after i realised it was serious... Que me running around the kitchen trying cutlery too saw threw it! Nothing could get threw these badboys! I ended up panic calling her dad to ask for advice, he then came home... I then had to dress my ex but obviously with her hands tied to the bed i just put a shirt over her head and some shorts on... He got a saw from the shed and powered threw it... what an evenin

You have to be joking? Thats fucked up mate, Eh excuse me birds dad, I was pumping your daughter and got her handcuffs stuck, can you cut your little princess free please?



I was pumping this filthy bird from a couple towns over. It was about my third time going to meet her and we had already fucked since meeting. We couldn't get into her house for her sister being over with her neice. We went out into her uncles rover metro in the back garden and started fucking in the passenger seat. She decided she wanted it up the arse so I was like, FUCK YEAH! Started giving it to her up the exit hole and got so carried away the car had majorly steamed up. Was making enough noise to not hear her mum walk over to the car....
She opened up the car saying, "hope I'm not disturbing you". She got so much of a fright that she nearly sharted. Needless to say I only ever fucked her once more and never again.

[Matt67]

You have to be joking? Thats fucked up mate, Eh excuse me birds dad, I was pumping your daughter and got her handcuffs stuck, can you cut your little princess free please?



She was gunna have a fit! So i panicked it was a choice between an ambulance, fire brigade or her dad!

[Sexooo]

A mate woke up in the morning after fucking a girls arse with sweetcorn on his dick lol

[Kai]

This isn't my story so no credit can be given to me, and I can't find the original anywhere but here goes:
The 3some... explained. sorry it is so long - but you lot did ask. I though as this place has got a bit serious and heavy, I'd finally cheer you up with another of my epic fails. The 3some:

The first excuse is I had just split with my girlfriend, and being shallow - needed to move on... fast. And I had an all expenses hotel room for two bought and paid for by my company.
But first - let me explain about Ashley, the victim, uh - I mean woman. She was a friends mum. Back when I used to sleep over at my mates house as a kid - I was 10 and thought she was hot as f*ck. I used to wank obsessively thinking of her. In their bathroom was the laundery basket and I swiped a pair of her knick-knicks. Droped em on my face and proceeded to 'fire the custard cannon' inhaling the mushroomy sent.
Problem was I was in the friends house who's mum it was, and we were in bunk beads. Russel, the friend below me was "Uh..... what you doin??"
I forgot he was there...
"I'm, er, having an Asthma attack. Stop talking you are ruining it... Oh and cover your eyes!"

The friendship ended when I wiped my arse on his pillow.

Fast forward 20 years or so, and I am in a hotel in Leeds. Very, very pissed. As I said I was recently single, so invited my mate Bulldog along. For those of you who know Bulldog, I asked all my proper mates but was too short notice. Bulldog fell off his bike as a kid, and has lots of scarring on his head where hair doesn't grow. He looks like he got chewed up by a dog - hence bulldog. I am drinking to forget the choice of idiot I have brought with me - Bulldog eating his normal diet of pills!

The conferance at the hotel I was staying at (why I was there) - so was rammed with women, and I am hitting on every single one. I was on about my 25th 'f*ck off' - then.... "OH MY GOD - is that you... it IS you.... hi yoooooooou"
Ashley - Russels mum. Time had not been kind to old Ashley.
She told me about her difficult break up... she said I hadn't aged a bit, but she had as she has liver failure, leaving her skin sallow.
Me - pissed, told her I used to wank over her at 11, and stole her panties.
So I am flirting, getting booglie and being a twat.
She - to my total shock is flirting back.
So, me, being all sensitive said:
"How about you come upstairs and f*ck me and my mate"
She said....."OK"
(didn't expect that)
.................................................. ......"Seriously??"
"Yeah - why not" says she
"f*ck yeah" shouts Bulldog
"Shut up Bulldog" says I

So then, it turned in to a game of chicken as we walked to the lift.
"come on then" I said as I started walking
"OK" she said... following me
"I'm serious" I said.
"Me too" she said.
"I'm not joking" I said
"Good" she said.
"Me too" said Bulldog
"Shut the f*ck up bulldog"
I remember thinking 'Oh shit you've done it again - say your joking and stop this!'

By now - we had got to the lift. I had sobered up real fast. I am beginning to think this is a bad idea. It was a joke. After the Banana lady - I leaned that fantasy is better than reality. But I called it, and had way too much pride. You gotta know when to hold em and when to fold em.
In the lift, with its harsh overhead lighting - she was not pretty, sagging skin and yellow liver failure eyes. In the mirrored walls I could see Bulldong shuffling about with excited tension, playing with himself through his trouser pocket. It was repulsive, right there I should have hit the alarm button and f*cked off.

So, we get in my room. Of all the things you have read about me, this was by far the most awkward moment to date. My old mate's elderly, liver failing mum, drunk. My junkie mate looking like he is going to have a stroke and grinning like Forrest Gump, touching his cock through his pockets. And me. All looking at each other like a western gun fight is about to start. Nobody actually tells you how these things get going, you just start making random small talk.
I said "Chilly today isnt it"
Bulldog: "Huh??"
Ashley: "what? thats not very sexy"
I remember this next bit, as it is one of my epic FAILS. I had to say something sexy, and wild, but didn't know what to say - all nervous I honestly said the following.....
"Uh, yeaaaah..... my d*ck feels like corn"
corn... CORN?? what the f*ck was I thinking, corn? I panicked and said the first thing t come to mind and it was corn. Lucky for me - she didn't miss a beat and said "Yeah, let me put some butter on it"
....and thats how it started

Bulldog was so amped his head went red with all the scars white, So - I thought, f*ck it - get in first. We started kissing. Even that was awful, it was like a hovercraft drove over my face. Bulldog unbuttons his shirt, I get naked in a flash to beat him, go for the kill, bend Ashley over - cos I didn't want to do it face to face as she looked just like my 10 year old mate Russel - but with a vagina.

I plumb it in, so far so good. I am hammering away. For a short while it feels good and you forget the circumstances. I open my eyes and Bulldog right next to me - looking right in my face. Grinning. I didn't put any music on, so the only sound was like a dog walking through mud, only wetter, and my idiot mate right up in my face. So I whipered:
"f*ck off"
"What?"
"f*ck - off"
"f*ck yeahhhh"
"No - f*ck off"
"My go!!"
"What"
"Gimme a go"
"I just started"
"Im gonna blow - let me go"
with that he shuffles off in the corner and I can see him out of the corner of my eye getting undressed 'FFLAPP' there was a wet slapping sound, as if someone hit Bulldog, I snap my head around to look... 'f*ck MEEEEEE'
It was Bulldogs cock. It was f*cking huge. Like a comedy rubber, foot long, lady slaying monster d*ck. The noise was as it swung and slapped his thigh!! He then starts wagging it about, trying to get blood in it cos it is too big to just 'wood up' like a normal-un.
You know that old footage of the girl in Viatnam - running down the street naked, all burned from Napalm and screaming - that is how I felt right there. How the f*ck am I supposed to compete with that? I am flapping a sub-standard baby d*ck and he is packing a monster!! I know us guys are insecure about the size of our cocks, but f*ck me!! This ugly, f*cking fat retard looking idiot, is swinging a giant cock about.

Now, let me just clear up the size issue. It matters. A lot. Trust me. Want to know how I know? Go into a sex shop. All the dildo's are thick 9+ inches or more of monster cock. Never has a woman gone "Uhh, yeah - do you happen to have a sub-average size dildo?" Would never happen. NEVER HAPPEN. The only time you could by a cock my size, all small and ugly with an awkward kink in the middle would be on a key ring. And it would be a joke.

"my go" Bulldog says again
I hadn't realised I had stopped moving. Just standing there, losing my erection while looking at his - and still in mates mum. So I pull out. Something about my idiot mate and his giant cock killed the moment for me.

Now - you think everyone f*cks like you. You base your basic 'f*ck technique' on porn, medium speed regular half second piston-like pumps. Well.... they dont. Bulldong as I now call him is naked but for shoes and socks. Still wagging it like he is going to smash her about the head with it. He closes in behind Ashley... Him grappling the monster with both hands, it so big it would bend in the middle, Flop out and swing around. He'd grab it again. it was like watching a guy try to post a python through a letterbox.
Then Ashley whent ooOOOOOHHHH SHIT yeah - oh yeah.

Needless to say - she didn't say anything like that with me. I felt sooo shit. Curse my button mushroom-like cock. I didnt want to be there and my pride had just been flamed.
Then he started f*cking - christ it was awful to see. Grunting and squeels, and hammering away like it was a race, like three hits a second machine gun on auto, frenzy f*ck. Bulldog is a big fatty fat, fat. He looked like a giant baby with a monster cock, f*cking my mates mum. An image I will never forget - and the most traumatic I have yet to see. All I could think is 'I forgot to make noises! Are you supposed to make noises? He's doing the sex noises and she seems to like it - not only has he a fantastic cock - he does noises!'

After only about 4 minutes Bulldog starts making loud grunts, pulls out the massive beast, it slaps on her back 'thud' and he then blows his load - all over her back. He then, like cave man, went 'Uunnhhhhhnnnghhhhuuuhhhhhhhhhggghh' and flopped on the bed, like a grizzly bear shot in the ass with a tranquilizer dart.
I honestly thought, when pulled it all of that out of her - her liver would have shlopped out with it, hanging there like a grey flesh yo-yo.

So - there I am. My freak mate, naked but for shoes - asleep on a bed. My mates mum bent over expecting me to perform, and me, in a hotel room. I wanted to die.
Ashley looks over her shoulder at me "Come on baby - f*ck me - gimmie that corn"
I look at her pussy. Bulldog had ruined it. It was huge and stretched out of shape like she had just given birth. I could have stuck my whole hand in her c*nt and flipped a coin!!
How the hell am I going to follow that??
So I position myself behind her grab her ass, and eyes shut, I am thinking of as many sexy things as I can. Just get hard - ignore whats going on, even morning piss-wood would do. Me trying to f*ck her right there was like pushing a marsh mellow into a kebab. I'm as hard as jelly. Then my hand slips......................... Bulldogs Junk is all over her and I have just put my hand in it!
'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRGH'
It looks like a badly iced ring doughnut. So I grab her skirt, pretending to massage her ass, and scoop it out of the way. No - nooooo nooooooooooo NO!!
I have another mans cum on my hand. I was either going to me sick or cry.
I just stared at it, horrified. I must have been there a while, as she turned around. I didnt even see her get up!!
She then started to blow my tiny baby cock - and that took my mind off it. Infact, a blowjob will pretty much take my mind off anything. I had restored some pride, as I was now sporting just under 5 inches of solid cock. It might not have been a giant like Bulldog's but you could have prized open a steel door with it.
So, Ashly bends over and I'm in. It's OK - feels good, I am doing the noises, working away. She is making noises - probably sympathy noises but who cares, I am f*cking.

I was just getting into it, blocking out what I have just seen by remembering the best bits from my porn collection.
'Bang'
something hard hit the wall. I was all 'What the f*ck was that?' I look about, and it was a shoe. Bulldogs shoe. Did he throw a shoe at me? "Bulldog what the fuuuh....."
I look over and he is naked - socks and shoes now gone, and he is doing something.
He has his back to me, but I can see he is up to something, fussing hard doing... something.
So absorbed at what he was trying to do - I stopped moving again. Nothing prepared me for what I was about to see.

Bulldog turns around. His cock looked even bigger but horrible! Dark purple and blue, bulging with veins. All swollen, I though it might explode. Around the bottom, he had tied his shoe lace!
"Bulldog - what the f*ck??" - I look at the shoe that hit the wall and, as I expected - no laces.
"Make shift cock ring" says Bulldog. Standing there - with his cock presented with a big shoe lace bow at the bottom. All the skin where tied was puckered up and white, then bulging twisted viens and engorged. It was grotesque, like a giant purple gherkin.
How the hell did he get hard again so soon? Must have been 5 minutes...

So again I am out. Bulldog - eyes bulging, just ramms it in. And then goes f*cking nuts.
f*cking like a psycho, angry f*cking, grunting and shouting.
"Uhhhhhhh?..." I am standing there like a twat
Bulldog gets worse and starts making animal noises and biting her neck - Ashley looks scared. He is biting hard - I can see the tooth marks, and hammering so hard I can see AND HEAR his turkey-neck nut sacks mash into her ass.
I try to grab his attention - and whisper "Bulldog"
"Nnnagghh ahhhhhh, uuuuugh"
"Bulldog"
"GNhhhaarrr, uhh, UUUHHH, Arrrrrr"
"BULLDOG"

He looks up - only one eye open like a crazy f*cked up pirate. All red n sweatty with glowing white scars. It spooked the f*ck out of me. So I screamed. Like a little girl
"EEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhh"
I have no Idea why I screamed - probably fear, but I am sure I had never screamed before. It was loud enough that Ashley stood up
'Shhhlop' over a foot of Bulldog fell out.
'What?' said Ashley.
Me - feeling an even bigger twat "Oh...nothing"
So, as Bulldog was standing there, already, she sat on the edge of the bed and tried to fit the purple monster in her gob.
I had become a spectator. So - I tried to tell em 'I fold - I'm out, f*ck this, you are both f*ckin freaks' but what I actually said was "Err... hellooooooo?"
With that Ashley flopped the giant cock from her mouth. It looked like she had been drinking mayonaise, stood up and tried to kiss me. Right after smoking Bulldog's mutant pole! f*ck THAT!! She got close enough that I could smell Bulldog's onion knob stench on her breath! So I pushed her off - harder than I meant, she fell back onto the bed and bounced off, onto the floor, smashing a lamp. Letting out the loudest fanny fart I have ever heard 'Phhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrflp' I am sure it splashed my face.

Enough was enough. The whole affair was a nightmare. I grabbed my jeans and slept in the car. Nothing like porn. Not even close!

Never again.

[Steve]

i currently have a 13 year old from scotland saying she wants to lose her virginity to me, i was in blackpool with mates for a few days and ended up getting with her the night i met her, got her number and stuff, never once thought to ask her age, she looked 15-16ish, when she told me she was 13 i was like woah! you got a nice rack for a 13 year old! ( :P )
and news somehow seems to have got around part of burnley that i got a blowjob off her ( i didnt) , so now its "Liam did you really get a blowjob off a 13 year old?" everywhere i go. I just say yeah and she was amazing :P

going back next year to break that bitch!

and end up on a sex offenders register for fucking teenie boppers.

[Tringaling]

This isn't my story so no credit can be given to me, and I can't find the original anywhere but here goes:
The 3some... explained. sorry it is so long - but you lot did ask. I though as this place has got a bit serious and heavy, I'd finally cheer you up with another of my epic fails. The 3some:

The first excuse is I had just split with my girlfriend, and being shallow - needed to move on... fast. And I had an all expenses hotel room for two bought and paid for by my company.
But first - let me explain about Ashley, the victim, uh - I mean woman. She was a friends mum. Back when I used to sleep over at my mates house as a kid - I was 10 and thought she was hot as f*ck. I used to wank obsessively thinking of her. In their bathroom was the laundery basket and I swiped a pair of her knick-knicks. Droped em on my face and proceeded to 'fire the custard cannon' inhaling the mushroomy sent.
Problem was I was in the friends house who's mum it was, and we were in bunk beads. Russel, the friend below me was "Uh..... what you doin??"
I forgot he was there...
"I'm, er, having an Asthma attack. Stop talking you are ruining it... Oh and cover your eyes!"

The friendship ended when I wiped my arse on his pillow.

Fast forward 20 years or so, and I am in a hotel in Leeds. Very, very pissed. As I said I was recently single, so invited my mate Bulldog along. For those of you who know Bulldog, I asked all my proper mates but was too short notice. Bulldog fell off his bike as a kid, and has lots of scarring on his head where hair doesn't grow. He looks like he got chewed up by a dog - hence bulldog. I am drinking to forget the choice of idiot I have brought with me - Bulldog eating his normal diet of pills!

The conferance at the hotel I was staying at (why I was there) - so was rammed with women, and I am hitting on every single one. I was on about my 25th 'f*ck off' - then.... "OH MY GOD - is that you... it IS you.... hi yoooooooou"
Ashley - Russels mum. Time had not been kind to old Ashley.
She told me about her difficult break up... she said I hadn't aged a bit, but she had as she has liver failure, leaving her skin sallow.
Me - pissed, told her I used to wank over her at 11, and stole her panties.
So I am flirting, getting booglie and being a twat.
She - to my total shock is flirting back.
So, me, being all sensitive said:
"How about you come upstairs and f*ck me and my mate"
She said....."OK"
(didn't expect that)
.................................................. ......"Seriously??"
"Yeah - why not" says she
"f*ck yeah" shouts Bulldog
"Shut up Bulldog" says I

So then, it turned in to a game of chicken as we walked to the lift.
"come on then" I said as I started walking
"OK" she said... following me
"I'm serious" I said.
"Me too" she said.
"I'm not joking" I said
"Good" she said.
"Me too" said Bulldog
"Shut the f*ck up bulldog"
I remember thinking 'Oh shit you've done it again - say your joking and stop this!'

By now - we had got to the lift. I had sobered up real fast. I am beginning to think this is a bad idea. It was a joke. After the Banana lady - I leaned that fantasy is better than reality. But I called it, and had way too much pride. You gotta know when to hold em and when to fold em.
In the lift, with its harsh overhead lighting - she was not pretty, sagging skin and yellow liver failure eyes. In the mirrored walls I could see Bulldong shuffling about with excited tension, playing with himself through his trouser pocket. It was repulsive, right there I should have hit the alarm button and f*cked off.

So, we get in my room. Of all the things you have read about me, this was by far the most awkward moment to date. My old mate's elderly, liver failing mum, drunk. My junkie mate looking like he is going to have a stroke and grinning like Forrest Gump, touching his cock through his pockets. And me. All looking at each other like a western gun fight is about to start. Nobody actually tells you how these things get going, you just start making random small talk.
I said "Chilly today isnt it"
Bulldog: "Huh??"
Ashley: "what? thats not very sexy"
I remember this next bit, as it is one of my epic FAILS. I had to say something sexy, and wild, but didn't know what to say - all nervous I honestly said the following.....
"Uh, yeaaaah..... my d*ck feels like corn"
corn... CORN?? what the f*ck was I thinking, corn? I panicked and said the first thing t come to mind and it was corn. Lucky for me - she didn't miss a beat and said "Yeah, let me put some butter on it"
....and thats how it started

Bulldog was so amped his head went red with all the scars white, So - I thought, f*ck it - get in first. We started kissing. Even that was awful, it was like a hovercraft drove over my face. Bulldog unbuttons his shirt, I get naked in a flash to beat him, go for the kill, bend Ashley over - cos I didn't want to do it face to face as she looked just like my 10 year old mate Russel - but with a vagina.

I plumb it in, so far so good. I am hammering away. For a short while it feels good and you forget the circumstances. I open my eyes and Bulldog right next to me - looking right in my face. Grinning. I didn't put any music on, so the only sound was like a dog walking through mud, only wetter, and my idiot mate right up in my face. So I whipered:
"f*ck off"
"What?"
"f*ck - off"
"f*ck yeahhhh"
"No - f*ck off"
"My go!!"
"What"
"Gimme a go"
"I just started"
"Im gonna blow - let me go"
with that he shuffles off in the corner and I can see him out of the corner of my eye getting undressed 'FFLAPP' there was a wet slapping sound, as if someone hit Bulldog, I snap my head around to look... 'f*ck MEEEEEE'
It was Bulldogs cock. It was f*cking huge. Like a comedy rubber, foot long, lady slaying monster d*ck. The noise was as it swung and slapped his thigh!! He then starts wagging it about, trying to get blood in it cos it is too big to just 'wood up' like a normal-un.
You know that old footage of the girl in Viatnam - running down the street naked, all burned from Napalm and screaming - that is how I felt right there. How the f*ck am I supposed to compete with that? I am flapping a sub-standard baby d*ck and he is packing a monster!! I know us guys are insecure about the size of our cocks, but f*ck me!! This ugly, f*cking fat retard looking idiot, is swinging a giant cock about.

Now, let me just clear up the size issue. It matters. A lot. Trust me. Want to know how I know? Go into a sex shop. All the dildo's are thick 9+ inches or more of monster cock. Never has a woman gone "Uhh, yeah - do you happen to have a sub-average size dildo?" Would never happen. NEVER HAPPEN. The only time you could by a cock my size, all small and ugly with an awkward kink in the middle would be on a key ring. And it would be a joke.

"my go" Bulldog says again
I hadn't realised I had stopped moving. Just standing there, losing my erection while looking at his - and still in mates mum. So I pull out. Something about my idiot mate and his giant cock killed the moment for me.

Now - you think everyone f*cks like you. You base your basic 'f*ck technique' on porn, medium speed regular half second piston-like pumps. Well.... they dont. Bulldong as I now call him is naked but for shoes and socks. Still wagging it like he is going to smash her about the head with it. He closes in behind Ashley... Him grappling the monster with both hands, it so big it would bend in the middle, Flop out and swing around. He'd grab it again. it was like watching a guy try to post a python through a letterbox.
Then Ashley whent ooOOOOOHHHH SHIT yeah - oh yeah.

Needless to say - she didn't say anything like that with me. I felt sooo shit. Curse my button mushroom-like cock. I didnt want to be there and my pride had just been flamed.
Then he started f*cking - christ it was awful to see. Grunting and squeels, and hammering away like it was a race, like three hits a second machine gun on auto, frenzy f*ck. Bulldog is a big fatty fat, fat. He looked like a giant baby with a monster cock, f*cking my mates mum. An image I will never forget - and the most traumatic I have yet to see. All I could think is 'I forgot to make noises! Are you supposed to make noises? He's doing the sex noises and she seems to like it - not only has he a fantastic cock - he does noises!'

After only about 4 minutes Bulldog starts making loud grunts, pulls out the massive beast, it slaps on her back 'thud' and he then blows his load - all over her back. He then, like cave man, went 'Uunnhhhhhnnnghhhhuuuhhhhhhhhhggghh' and flopped on the bed, like a grizzly bear shot in the ass with a tranquilizer dart.
I honestly thought, when pulled it all of that out of her - her liver would have shlopped out with it, hanging there like a grey flesh yo-yo.

So - there I am. My freak mate, naked but for shoes - asleep on a bed. My mates mum bent over expecting me to perform, and me, in a hotel room. I wanted to die.
Ashley looks over her shoulder at me "Come on baby - f*ck me - gimmie that corn"
I look at her pussy. Bulldog had ruined it. It was huge and stretched out of shape like she had just given birth. I could have stuck my whole hand in her c*nt and flipped a coin!!
How the hell am I going to follow that??
So I position myself behind her grab her ass, and eyes shut, I am thinking of as many sexy things as I can. Just get hard - ignore whats going on, even morning piss-wood would do. Me trying to f*ck her right there was like pushing a marsh mellow into a kebab. I'm as hard as jelly. Then my hand slips......................... Bulldogs Junk is all over her and I have just put my hand in it!
'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRGH'
It looks like a badly iced ring doughnut. So I grab her skirt, pretending to massage her ass, and scoop it out of the way. No - nooooo nooooooooooo NO!!
I have another mans cum on my hand. I was either going to me sick or cry.
I just stared at it, horrified. I must have been there a while, as she turned around. I didnt even see her get up!!
She then started to blow my tiny baby cock - and that took my mind off it. Infact, a blowjob will pretty much take my mind off anything. I had restored some pride, as I was now sporting just under 5 inches of solid cock. It might not have been a giant like Bulldog's but you could have prized open a steel door with it.
So, Ashly bends over and I'm in. It's OK - feels good, I am doing the noises, working away. She is making noises - probably sympathy noises but who cares, I am f*cking.

I was just getting into it, blocking out what I have just seen by remembering the best bits from my porn collection.
'Bang'
something hard hit the wall. I was all 'What the f*ck was that?' I look about, and it was a shoe. Bulldogs shoe. Did he throw a shoe at me? "Bulldog what the fuuuh....."
I look over and he is naked - socks and shoes now gone, and he is doing something.
He has his back to me, but I can see he is up to something, fussing hard doing... something.
So absorbed at what he was trying to do - I stopped moving again. Nothing prepared me for what I was about to see.

Bulldog turns around. His cock looked even bigger but horrible! Dark purple and blue, bulging with veins. All swollen, I though it might explode. Around the bottom, he had tied his shoe lace!
"Bulldog - what the f*ck??" - I look at the shoe that hit the wall and, as I expected - no laces.
"Make shift cock ring" says Bulldog. Standing there - with his cock presented with a big shoe lace bow at the bottom. All the skin where tied was puckered up and white, then bulging twisted viens and engorged. It was grotesque, like a giant purple gherkin.
How the hell did he get hard again so soon? Must have been 5 minutes...

So again I am out. Bulldog - eyes bulging, just ramms it in. And then goes f*cking nuts.
f*cking like a psycho, angry f*cking, grunting and shouting.
"Uhhhhhhh?..." I am standing there like a twat
Bulldog gets worse and starts making animal noises and biting her neck - Ashley looks scared. He is biting hard - I can see the tooth marks, and hammering so hard I can see AND HEAR his turkey-neck nut sacks mash into her ass.
I try to grab his attention - and whisper "Bulldog"
"Nnnagghh ahhhhhh, uuuuugh"
"Bulldog"
"GNhhhaarrr, uhh, UUUHHH, Arrrrrr"
"BULLDOG"

He looks up - only one eye open like a crazy f*cked up pirate. All red n sweatty with glowing white scars. It spooked the f*ck out of me. So I screamed. Like a little girl
"EEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhh"
I have no Idea why I screamed - probably fear, but I am sure I had never screamed before. It was loud enough that Ashley stood up
'Shhhlop' over a foot of Bulldog fell out.
'What?' said Ashley.
Me - feeling an even bigger twat "Oh...nothing"
So, as Bulldog was standing there, already, she sat on the edge of the bed and tried to fit the purple monster in her gob.
I had become a spectator. So - I tried to tell em 'I fold - I'm out, f*ck this, you are both f*ckin freaks' but what I actually said was "Err... hellooooooo?"
With that Ashley flopped the giant cock from her mouth. It looked like she had been drinking mayonaise, stood up and tried to kiss me. Right after smoking Bulldog's mutant pole! f*ck THAT!! She got close enough that I could smell Bulldog's onion knob stench on her breath! So I pushed her off - harder than I meant, she fell back onto the bed and bounced off, onto the floor, smashing a lamp. Letting out the loudest fanny fart I have ever heard 'Phhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrflp' I am sure it splashed my face.

Enough was enough. The whole affair was a nightmare. I grabbed my jeans and slept in the car. Nothing like porn. Not even close!

Never again.

Get into Erotic novels, that shit sounded HORRID!

[moxy89]

to the top to spite VThall

[JdashC90]

Ok ok here we go.

A girl I worked with had a free house, and invited me around for one thing, and one thing only, so I went round. Started with kissing, then undressing, she took my top off, and I had her completely naked lying on top of her bed. I stood up to take my jeans off when she said "Oh...", while she lay there, staring over her shoulder as if she'd seen a ghost, I decided to turn around to discover what she was looking at. My heart sank, the girl, completely naked, legs spread on the bed, was staring at her dad who'd jsut walked into the room. He looks at me, looking really pissed off and says "Is that your car?", "Yeah" I replied. "GET IT SHIFTED" replies the girls father. I have never got dressed so quick, ran downstairs, out of the door, and wheelspun off the drive, hands shaking, still suprisingly aroused!

[SaxSpeed]

my mate told me his other mate was out with a lassie drinking then they went back to hers, they got past foreplay and the girl said to his mate, put these anal beads in me and when im away to cum pull hem out i love the feeling, so they are shaging away doggy style and when she goes to cum the guy could only describe taking them out as

"so i riped them out like i was starting a lawn mower"

when he got sprayed with a combination of blood and shit, apparently she had to get her arsehole stitched up

[MunkyBoy]

my mate told me his other mate was out with a lassie drinking then they went back to hers, they got past foreplay and the girl said to his mate, put these anal beads in me and when im away to cum pull hem out i love the feeling, so they are shaging away doggy style and when she goes to cum the guy could only describe taking them out as

"so i riped them out like i was starting a lawn mower"

when he got sprayed with a combination of blood and shit, apparently she had to get her arsehole stitched up

Thats fucking awesome.

[Fulch]

Ok ok here we go.

A girl I worked with had a free house, and invited me around for one thing, and one thing only, so I went round. Started with kissing, then undressing, she took my top off, and I had her completely naked lying on top of her bed. I stood up to take my jeans off when she said "Oh...", while she lay there, staring over her shoulder as if she'd seen a ghost, I decided to turn around to discover what she was looking at. My heart sank, the girl, completely naked, legs spread on the bed, was staring at her dad who'd jsut walked into the room. He looks at me, looking really pissed off and says "Is that your car?", "Yeah" I replied. "GET IT SHIFTED" replies the girls father. I have never got dressed so quick, ran downstairs, out of the door, and wheelspun off the drive, hands shaking, still suprisingly aroused!

Lol love this one

[MiniGibbo]

Ok ok here we go.

A girl I worked with had a free house, and invited me around for one thing, and one thing only, so I went round. Started with kissing, then undressing, she took my top off, and I had her completely naked lying on top of her bed. I stood up to take my jeans off when she said "Oh...", while she lay there, staring over her shoulder as if she'd seen a ghost, I decided to turn around to discover what she was looking at. My heart sank, the girl, completely naked, legs spread on the bed, was staring at her dad who'd jsut walked into the room. He looks at me, looking really pissed off and says "Is that your car?", "Yeah" I replied. "GET IT SHIFTED" replies the girls father. I have never got dressed so quick, ran downstairs, out of the door, and wheelspun off the drive, hands shaking, still suprisingly aroused!

Defiante man points..

[MuZiZZle]

Bump it up!

[blackie_2k5]

this one time...at band camp...

i fucked and oboe

[MuZiZZle]

this one time...at band camp...

i fucked and oboe

It's aborigine

[L33h]

I was trying to get into a lass for agesssss. We share the sane birthday so we were both get realllyyyyyy drunk.

Long story short i ended up fucking her in her bed. 10 minutes during the act her mam and dad both walk in the room shouting at what all the noise was... theres me half way through thusting their daughter!

about a hour later i walk out to go for a piss to see her mam scurrying into a room with no clothes on!

Safe to say i disappeared out before anyone woke up in the mornin

[simmo]

The usual spunk in her eyes, out her nose etc,

Snapped the banjo and mum walked in on us as well.

Fuck knows why but when the banjo string went i rang my mum up at about 2am asking wtf should i do haha

[DAMSK11]

Keep this thread going. Been a great read.

Some dude I went to school with apparently used a sock as a condom...can't see that working brilliantly.

[Oli-VTR]

one word

blowback

[imDan]

Me and my girlfriend were chilling in my room! I was playing cod and she was on her phone. She thought it would a good spice up to start sucking me off while playing and I didn't mind, after about 20 minutes I got killed on a 24 kill streak and was so pissed I smashed my controller down. At the time I didn't remember that she was giving me head, she wasn't every good and I was owning at cod! Anyway I smashed it on her head and she bit down on my dick! It pierced the skin and I had to get a needle! I have never allowed a girl to give me head while playing cod since!

iLie

[DAMSK11]

Me and my girlfriend were chilling in my room! I was playing cod and she was on her phone. She thought it would a good spice up to start sucking me off while playing and I didn't mind, after about 20 minutes I got killed on a 24 kill streak and was so pissed I smashed my controller down. At the time I didn't remember that she was giving me head, she wasn't every good and I was owning at cod! Anyway I smashed it on her head and she bit down on my dick! It pierced the skin and I had to get a needle! I have never allowed a girl to give me head while playing cod since!

You carried on playing COD whilst being sucked off?

I'm not sure if you're a lad or...

[Giraffe]

You carried on playing COD whilst being sucked off?

I'm not sure if you're a lad or a complete billy bullshitter...

I corrected your post and I think it's the second option.

[imDan]

I corrected your post and I think it's the second option.

+1 yeah was complete bollox lol i just fount it funny.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Embarrassing-Sex-Moments/521253944555925?ref=stream

:) Much love :homme:

[AnthonyMartin]

This isn't my story so no credit can be given to me, and I can't find the original anywhere but here goes:
The 3some... explained. sorry it is so long - but you lot did ask. I though as this place has got a bit serious and heavy, I'd finally cheer you up with another of my epic fails. The 3some:

The first excuse is I had just split with my girlfriend, and being shallow - needed to move on... fast. And I had an all expenses hotel room for two bought and paid for by my company.
But first - let me explain about Ashley, the victim, uh - I mean woman. She was a friends mum. Back when I used to sleep over at my mates house as a kid - I was 10 and thought she was hot as f*ck. I used to wank obsessively thinking of her. In their bathroom was the laundery basket and I swiped a pair of her knick-knicks. Droped em on my face and proceeded to 'fire the custard cannon' inhaling the mushroomy sent.
Problem was I was in the friends house who's mum it was, and we were in bunk beads. Russel, the friend below me was "Uh..... what you doin??"
I forgot he was there...
"I'm, er, having an Asthma attack. Stop talking you are ruining it... Oh and cover your eyes!"

The friendship ended when I wiped my arse on his pillow.

Fast forward 20 years or so, and I am in a hotel in Leeds. Very, very pissed. As I said I was recently single, so invited my mate Bulldog along. For those of you who know Bulldog, I asked all my proper mates but was too short notice. Bulldog fell off his bike as a kid, and has lots of scarring on his head where hair doesn't grow. He looks like he got chewed up by a dog - hence bulldog. I am drinking to forget the choice of idiot I have brought with me - Bulldog eating his normal diet of pills!

The conferance at the hotel I was staying at (why I was there) - so was rammed with women, and I am hitting on every single one. I was on about my 25th 'f*ck off' - then.... "OH MY GOD - is that you... it IS you.... hi yoooooooou"
Ashley - Russels mum. Time had not been kind to old Ashley.
She told me about her difficult break up... she said I hadn't aged a bit, but she had as she has liver failure, leaving her skin sallow.
Me - pissed, told her I used to wank over her at 11, and stole her panties.
So I am flirting, getting booglie and being a twat.
She - to my total shock is flirting back.
So, me, being all sensitive said:
"How about you come upstairs and f*ck me and my mate"
She said....."OK"
(didn't expect that)
.................................................. ......"Seriously??"
"Yeah - why not" says she
"f*ck yeah" shouts Bulldog
"Shut up Bulldog" says I

So then, it turned in to a game of chicken as we walked to the lift.
"come on then" I said as I started walking
"OK" she said... following me
"I'm serious" I said.
"Me too" she said.
"I'm not joking" I said
"Good" she said.
"Me too" said Bulldog
"Shut the f*ck up bulldog"
I remember thinking 'Oh shit you've done it again - say your joking and stop this!'

By now - we had got to the lift. I had sobered up real fast. I am beginning to think this is a bad idea. It was a joke. After the Banana lady - I leaned that fantasy is better than reality. But I called it, and had way too much pride. You gotta know when to hold em and when to fold em.
In the lift, with its harsh overhead lighting - she was not pretty, sagging skin and yellow liver failure eyes. In the mirrored walls I could see Bulldong shuffling about with excited tension, playing with himself through his trouser pocket. It was repulsive, right there I should have hit the alarm button and f*cked off.

So, we get in my room. Of all the things you have read about me, this was by far the most awkward moment to date. My old mate's elderly, liver failing mum, drunk. My junkie mate looking like he is going to have a stroke and grinning like Forrest Gump, touching his cock through his pockets. And me. All looking at each other like a western gun fight is about to start. Nobody actually tells you how these things get going, you just start making random small talk.
I said "Chilly today isnt it"
Bulldog: "Huh??"
Ashley: "what? thats not very sexy"
I remember this next bit, as it is one of my epic FAILS. I had to say something sexy, and wild, but didn't know what to say - all nervous I honestly said the following.....
"Uh, yeaaaah..... my d*ck feels like corn"
corn... CORN?? what the f*ck was I thinking, corn? I panicked and said the first thing t come to mind and it was corn. Lucky for me - she didn't miss a beat and said "Yeah, let me put some butter on it"
....and thats how it started

Bulldog was so amped his head went red with all the scars white, So - I thought, f*ck it - get in first. We started kissing. Even that was awful, it was like a hovercraft drove over my face. Bulldog unbuttons his shirt, I get naked in a flash to beat him, go for the kill, bend Ashley over - cos I didn't want to do it face to face as she looked just like my 10 year old mate Russel - but with a vagina.

I plumb it in, so far so good. I am hammering away. For a short while it feels good and you forget the circumstances. I open my eyes and Bulldog right next to me - looking right in my face. Grinning. I didn't put any music on, so the only sound was like a dog walking through mud, only wetter, and my idiot mate right up in my face. So I whipered:
"f*ck off"
"What?"
"f*ck - off"
"f*ck yeahhhh"
"No - f*ck off"
"My go!!"
"What"
"Gimme a go"
"I just started"
"Im gonna blow - let me go"
with that he shuffles off in the corner and I can see him out of the corner of my eye getting undressed 'FFLAPP' there was a wet slapping sound, as if someone hit Bulldog, I snap my head around to look... 'f*ck MEEEEEE'
It was Bulldogs cock. It was f*cking huge. Like a comedy rubber, foot long, lady slaying monster d*ck. The noise was as it swung and slapped his thigh!! He then starts wagging it about, trying to get blood in it cos it is too big to just 'wood up' like a normal-un.
You know that old footage of the girl in Viatnam - running down the street naked, all burned from Napalm and screaming - that is how I felt right there. How the f*ck am I supposed to compete with that? I am flapping a sub-standard baby d*ck and he is packing a monster!! I know us guys are insecure about the size of our cocks, but f*ck me!! This ugly, f*cking fat retard looking idiot, is swinging a giant cock about.

Now, let me just clear up the size issue. It matters. A lot. Trust me. Want to know how I know? Go into a sex shop. All the dildo's are thick 9+ inches or more of monster cock. Never has a woman gone "Uhh, yeah - do you happen to have a sub-average size dildo?" Would never happen. NEVER HAPPEN. The only time you could by a cock my size, all small and ugly with an awkward kink in the middle would be on a key ring. And it would be a joke.

"my go" Bulldog says again
I hadn't realised I had stopped moving. Just standing there, losing my erection while looking at his - and still in mates mum. So I pull out. Something about my idiot mate and his giant cock killed the moment for me.

Now - you think everyone f*cks like you. You base your basic 'f*ck technique' on porn, medium speed regular half second piston-like pumps. Well.... they dont. Bulldong as I now call him is naked but for shoes and socks. Still wagging it like he is going to smash her about the head with it. He closes in behind Ashley... Him grappling the monster with both hands, it so big it would bend in the middle, Flop out and swing around. He'd grab it again. it was like watching a guy try to post a python through a letterbox.
Then Ashley whent ooOOOOOHHHH SHIT yeah - oh yeah.

Needless to say - she didn't say anything like that with me. I felt sooo shit. Curse my button mushroom-like cock. I didnt want to be there and my pride had just been flamed.
Then he started f*cking - christ it was awful to see. Grunting and squeels, and hammering away like it was a race, like three hits a second machine gun on auto, frenzy f*ck. Bulldog is a big fatty fat, fat. He looked like a giant baby with a monster cock, f*cking my mates mum. An image I will never forget - and the most traumatic I have yet to see. All I could think is 'I forgot to make noises! Are you supposed to make noises? He's doing the sex noises and she seems to like it - not only has he a fantastic cock - he does noises!'

After only about 4 minutes Bulldog starts making loud grunts, pulls out the massive beast, it slaps on her back 'thud' and he then blows his load - all over her back. He then, like cave man, went 'Uunnhhhhhnnnghhhhuuuhhhhhhhhhggghh' and flopped on the bed, like a grizzly bear shot in the ass with a tranquilizer dart.
I honestly thought, when pulled it all of that out of her - her liver would have shlopped out with it, hanging there like a grey flesh yo-yo.

So - there I am. My freak mate, naked but for shoes - asleep on a bed. My mates mum bent over expecting me to perform, and me, in a hotel room. I wanted to die.
Ashley looks over her shoulder at me "Come on baby - f*ck me - gimmie that corn"
I look at her pussy. Bulldog had ruined it. It was huge and stretched out of shape like she had just given birth. I could have stuck my whole hand in her c*nt and flipped a coin!!
How the hell am I going to follow that??
So I position myself behind her grab her ass, and eyes shut, I am thinking of as many sexy things as I can. Just get hard - ignore whats going on, even morning piss-wood would do. Me trying to f*ck her right there was like pushing a marsh mellow into a kebab. I'm as hard as jelly. Then my hand slips......................... Bulldogs Junk is all over her and I have just put my hand in it!
'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRGH'
It looks like a badly iced ring doughnut. So I grab her skirt, pretending to massage her ass, and scoop it out of the way. No - nooooo nooooooooooo NO!!
I have another mans cum on my hand. I was either going to me sick or cry.
I just stared at it, horrified. I must have been there a while, as she turned around. I didnt even see her get up!!
She then started to blow my tiny baby cock - and that took my mind off it. Infact, a blowjob will pretty much take my mind off anything. I had restored some pride, as I was now sporting just under 5 inches of solid cock. It might not have been a giant like Bulldog's but you could have prized open a steel door with it.
So, Ashly bends over and I'm in. It's OK - feels good, I am doing the noises, working away. She is making noises - probably sympathy noises but who cares, I am f*cking.

I was just getting into it, blocking out what I have just seen by remembering the best bits from my porn collection.
'Bang'
something hard hit the wall. I was all 'What the f*ck was that?' I look about, and it was a shoe. Bulldogs shoe. Did he throw a shoe at me? "Bulldog what the fuuuh....."
I look over and he is naked - socks and shoes now gone, and he is doing something.
He has his back to me, but I can see he is up to something, fussing hard doing... something.
So absorbed at what he was trying to do - I stopped moving again. Nothing prepared me for what I was about to see.

Bulldog turns around. His cock looked even bigger but horrible! Dark purple and blue, bulging with veins. All swollen, I though it might explode. Around the bottom, he had tied his shoe lace!
"Bulldog - what the f*ck??" - I look at the shoe that hit the wall and, as I expected - no laces.
"Make shift cock ring" says Bulldog. Standing there - with his cock presented with a big shoe lace bow at the bottom. All the skin where tied was puckered up and white, then bulging twisted viens and engorged. It was grotesque, like a giant purple gherkin.
How the hell did he get hard again so soon? Must have been 5 minutes...

So again I am out. Bulldog - eyes bulging, just ramms it in. And then goes f*cking nuts.
f*cking like a psycho, angry f*cking, grunting and shouting.
"Uhhhhhhh?..." I am standing there like a twat
Bulldog gets worse and starts making animal noises and biting her neck - Ashley looks scared. He is biting hard - I can see the tooth marks, and hammering so hard I can see AND HEAR his turkey-neck nut sacks mash into her ass.
I try to grab his attention - and whisper "Bulldog"
"Nnnagghh ahhhhhh, uuuuugh"
"Bulldog"
"GNhhhaarrr, uhh, UUUHHH, Arrrrrr"
"BULLDOG"

He looks up - only one eye open like a crazy f*cked up pirate. All red n sweatty with glowing white scars. It spooked the f*ck out of me. So I screamed. Like a little girl
"EEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhh"
I have no Idea why I screamed - probably fear, but I am sure I had never screamed before. It was loud enough that Ashley stood up
'Shhhlop' over a foot of Bulldog fell out.
'What?' said Ashley.
Me - feeling an even bigger twat "Oh...nothing"
So, as Bulldog was standing there, already, she sat on the edge of the bed and tried to fit the purple monster in her gob.
I had become a spectator. So - I tried to tell em 'I fold - I'm out, f*ck this, you are both f*ckin freaks' but what I actually said was "Err... hellooooooo?"
With that Ashley flopped the giant cock from her mouth. It looked like she had been drinking mayonaise, stood up and tried to kiss me. Right after smoking Bulldog's mutant pole! f*ck THAT!! She got close enough that I could smell Bulldog's onion knob stench on her breath! So I pushed her off - harder than I meant, she fell back onto the bed and bounced off, onto the floor, smashing a lamp. Letting out the loudest fanny fart I have ever heard 'Phhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrflp' I am sure it splashed my face.

Enough was enough. The whole affair was a nightmare. I grabbed my jeans and slept in the car. Nothing like porn. Not even close!

Never again.

BEST READ EVER!
Bump this fucker up!

[RobVT]

I have received head while playing COD, had to stop playing so i could smash her! haha

i did forget to mute my mic though and the whole XBL party heard.... was ace!

[danny-vts]

christ, took me 15 mins to read all that lol.
good read though :)

[12u55]

The morning after the night before, found me naked next to a girl I just usually have innocent flirty fun with. With an empty wrapper by my head (good intentions) but no used jonnie hanging off the old boy or no tissues in sight, the hunt began. After a good few minutes searching for it the lass in my bed woke up. Having both got the morning horn we went for round two, and putting into practice as always I 'strapped up'. I was a little concerned as to where the other jonnie was but by this point I was enjoying the moment! Again the deed was done and being the gentleman I am I gave her a lift home. Upon my return to my room I had another quick look around for the jonnie that was used in round one (which had now become the Houdini of jonnies) but still to no avail. I now thought nothing of it and just assumed I must of flushed it down the loo in a drunken state! I DON'T THINK I COULD OF BEEN ANY MORE WRONG!
After having a shower I checked my phone and I had a text from the girl saying she had found it........ and if you haven't guessed by now: The jonnie we used in round one had slipped off me old boy and stayed inside her, and was then hammered in for a whole 'nother round in round 2. Her words were 'I have found it, I have just given birth to it in the shower'

[Saxologist]

That was a great read, reminds me of something you'd hear from 22 years at the tap end (Radio 1)

[L33h]

LMFAO Kai! That was hilarious!

[Saxologist]

When I was 18, I was in a long term relationship. We decided to go clubbing, with her sister, we had a good night, until we started running back to the kebab shop, where I slip over and grazed my knee. After being fussed over, I said i was fine and proceeded to stay over her house.

I had just established a rhythm when I felt extremely poorly. I asked her for a cup to be sick in, which she handed me a bin, I said I wanted a cup and ended up laying back down and being sick vertically, resulting in the hot frothy sick flowing over my chin and bits getting stuck in my ears.

After cleaning up the sick, I noticed a bloody patch where my knee had been during the love making. She helped me get clean and changed her bed. Top lass.

[lukebeard]

doggy style anal with a old fuck buddy, long story short shit everywhere on the sofa. cleaned up sat down again watch some family guy on the now not shitty sofa and could still smell a seriously strong scent of of cack. thought fuck it sort it out after round two, she goes to give me another nosh fires back the forskin to find a helmet of shit formed around my bell!! you ever tried clean your bell end without touching it? mary gold and rough sponge. fair fucks to the girl though straight back noshing whilst i finished family guy with a j.

[MuZiZZle]

doggy style anal with a old fuck buddy, long story short shit everywhere on the sofa. cleaned up sat down again watch some family guy on the now not shitty sofa and could still smell a seriously strong scent of of cack. thought fuck it sort it out after round two, she goes to give me another nosh fires back the forskin to find a helmet of shit formed around my bell!! you ever tried clean your bell end without touching it? mary gold and rough sponge. fair fucks to the girl though straight back noshing whilst i finished family guy with a j.

that's basically horrific!

enema ftw!

[MuZiZZle]

This isn't my story so no credit can be given to me, and I can't find the original anywhere but here goes:
The 3some... explained. sorry it is so long - but you lot did ask. I though as this place has got a bit serious and heavy, I'd finally cheer you up with another of my epic fails. The 3some:

The first excuse is I had just split with my girlfriend, and being shallow - needed to move on... fast. And I had an all expenses hotel room for two bought and paid for by my company.
But first - let me explain about Ashley, the victim, uh - I mean woman. She was a friends mum. Back when I used to sleep over at my mates house as a kid - I was 10 and thought she was hot as f*ck. I used to wank obsessively thinking of her. In their bathroom was the laundery basket and I swiped a pair of her knick-knicks. Droped em on my face and proceeded to 'fire the custard cannon' inhaling the mushroomy sent.
Problem was I was in the friends house who's mum it was, and we were in bunk beads. Russel, the friend below me was "Uh..... what you doin??"
I forgot he was there...
"I'm, er, having an Asthma attack. Stop talking you are ruining it... Oh and cover your eyes!"

The friendship ended when I wiped my arse on his pillow.

Fast forward 20 years or so, and I am in a hotel in Leeds. Very, very pissed. As I said I was recently single, so invited my mate Bulldog along. For those of you who know Bulldog, I asked all my proper mates but was too short notice. Bulldog fell off his bike as a kid, and has lots of scarring on his head where hair doesn't grow. He looks like he got chewed up by a dog - hence bulldog. I am drinking to forget the choice of idiot I have brought with me - Bulldog eating his normal diet of pills!

The conferance at the hotel I was staying at (why I was there) - so was rammed with women, and I am hitting on every single one. I was on about my 25th 'f*ck off' - then.... "OH MY GOD - is that you... it IS you.... hi yoooooooou"
Ashley - Russels mum. Time had not been kind to old Ashley.
She told me about her difficult break up... she said I hadn't aged a bit, but she had as she has liver failure, leaving her skin sallow.
Me - pissed, told her I used to wank over her at 11, and stole her panties.
So I am flirting, getting booglie and being a twat.
She - to my total shock is flirting back.
So, me, being all sensitive said:
"How about you come upstairs and f*ck me and my mate"
She said....."OK"
(didn't expect that)
.................................................. ......"Seriously??"
"Yeah - why not" says she
"f*ck yeah" shouts Bulldog
"Shut up Bulldog" says I

So then, it turned in to a game of chicken as we walked to the lift.
"come on then" I said as I started walking
"OK" she said... following me
"I'm serious" I said.
"Me too" she said.
"I'm not joking" I said
"Good" she said.
"Me too" said Bulldog
"Shut the f*ck up bulldog"
I remember thinking 'Oh shit you've done it again - say your joking and stop this!'

By now - we had got to the lift. I had sobered up real fast. I am beginning to think this is a bad idea. It was a joke. After the Banana lady - I leaned that fantasy is better than reality. But I called it, and had way too much pride. You gotta know when to hold em and when to fold em.
In the lift, with its harsh overhead lighting - she was not pretty, sagging skin and yellow liver failure eyes. In the mirrored walls I could see Bulldong shuffling about with excited tension, playing with himself through his trouser pocket. It was repulsive, right there I should have hit the alarm button and f*cked off.

So, we get in my room. Of all the things you have read about me, this was by far the most awkward moment to date. My old mate's elderly, liver failing mum, drunk. My junkie mate looking like he is going to have a stroke and grinning like Forrest Gump, touching his cock through his pockets. And me. All looking at each other like a western gun fight is about to start. Nobody actually tells you how these things get going, you just start making random small talk.
I said "Chilly today isnt it"
Bulldog: "Huh??"
Ashley: "what? thats not very sexy"
I remember this next bit, as it is one of my epic FAILS. I had to say something sexy, and wild, but didn't know what to say - all nervous I honestly said the following.....
"Uh, yeaaaah..... my d*ck feels like corn"
corn... CORN?? what the f*ck was I thinking, corn? I panicked and said the first thing t come to mind and it was corn. Lucky for me - she didn't miss a beat and said "Yeah, let me put some butter on it"
....and thats how it started

Bulldog was so amped his head went red with all the scars white, So - I thought, f*ck it - get in first. We started kissing. Even that was awful, it was like a hovercraft drove over my face. Bulldog unbuttons his shirt, I get naked in a flash to beat him, go for the kill, bend Ashley over - cos I didn't want to do it face to face as she looked just like my 10 year old mate Russel - but with a vagina.

I plumb it in, so far so good. I am hammering away. For a short while it feels good and you forget the circumstances. I open my eyes and Bulldog right next to me - looking right in my face. Grinning. I didn't put any music on, so the only sound was like a dog walking through mud, only wetter, and my idiot mate right up in my face. So I whipered:
"f*ck off"
"What?"
"f*ck - off"
"f*ck yeahhhh"
"No - f*ck off"
"My go!!"
"What"
"Gimme a go"
"I just started"
"Im gonna blow - let me go"
with that he shuffles off in the corner and I can see him out of the corner of my eye getting undressed 'FFLAPP' there was a wet slapping sound, as if someone hit Bulldog, I snap my head around to look... 'f*ck MEEEEEE'
It was Bulldogs cock. It was f*cking huge. Like a comedy rubber, foot long, lady slaying monster d*ck. The noise was as it swung and slapped his thigh!! He then starts wagging it about, trying to get blood in it cos it is too big to just 'wood up' like a normal-un.
You know that old footage of the girl in Viatnam - running down the street naked, all burned from Napalm and screaming - that is how I felt right there. How the f*ck am I supposed to compete with that? I am flapping a sub-standard baby d*ck and he is packing a monster!! I know us guys are insecure about the size of our cocks, but f*ck me!! This ugly, f*cking fat retard looking idiot, is swinging a giant cock about.

Now, let me just clear up the size issue. It matters. A lot. Trust me. Want to know how I know? Go into a sex shop. All the dildo's are thick 9+ inches or more of monster cock. Never has a woman gone "Uhh, yeah - do you happen to have a sub-average size dildo?" Would never happen. NEVER HAPPEN. The only time you could by a cock my size, all small and ugly with an awkward kink in the middle would be on a key ring. And it would be a joke.

"my go" Bulldog says again
I hadn't realised I had stopped moving. Just standing there, losing my erection while looking at his - and still in mates mum. So I pull out. Something about my idiot mate and his giant cock killed the moment for me.

Now - you think everyone f*cks like you. You base your basic 'f*ck technique' on porn, medium speed regular half second piston-like pumps. Well.... they dont. Bulldong as I now call him is naked but for shoes and socks. Still wagging it like he is going to smash her about the head with it. He closes in behind Ashley... Him grappling the monster with both hands, it so big it would bend in the middle, Flop out and swing around. He'd grab it again. it was like watching a guy try to post a python through a letterbox.
Then Ashley whent ooOOOOOHHHH SHIT yeah - oh yeah.

Needless to say - she didn't say anything like that with me. I felt sooo shit. Curse my button mushroom-like cock. I didnt want to be there and my pride had just been flamed.
Then he started f*cking - christ it was awful to see. Grunting and squeels, and hammering away like it was a race, like three hits a second machine gun on auto, frenzy f*ck. Bulldog is a big fatty fat, fat. He looked like a giant baby with a monster cock, f*cking my mates mum. An image I will never forget - and the most traumatic I have yet to see. All I could think is 'I forgot to make noises! Are you supposed to make noises? He's doing the sex noises and she seems to like it - not only has he a fantastic cock - he does noises!'

After only about 4 minutes Bulldog starts making loud grunts, pulls out the massive beast, it slaps on her back 'thud' and he then blows his load - all over her back. He then, like cave man, went 'Uunnhhhhhnnnghhhhuuuhhhhhhhhhggghh' and flopped on the bed, like a grizzly bear shot in the ass with a tranquilizer dart.
I honestly thought, when pulled it all of that out of her - her liver would have shlopped out with it, hanging there like a grey flesh yo-yo.

So - there I am. My freak mate, naked but for shoes - asleep on a bed. My mates mum bent over expecting me to perform, and me, in a hotel room. I wanted to die.
Ashley looks over her shoulder at me "Come on baby - f*ck me - gimmie that corn"
I look at her pussy. Bulldog had ruined it. It was huge and stretched out of shape like she had just given birth. I could have stuck my whole hand in her c*nt and flipped a coin!!
How the hell am I going to follow that??
So I position myself behind her grab her ass, and eyes shut, I am thinking of as many sexy things as I can. Just get hard - ignore whats going on, even morning piss-wood would do. Me trying to f*ck her right there was like pushing a marsh mellow into a kebab. I'm as hard as jelly. Then my hand slips......................... Bulldogs Junk is all over her and I have just put my hand in it!
'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRGH'
It looks like a badly iced ring doughnut. So I grab her skirt, pretending to massage her ass, and scoop it out of the way. No - nooooo nooooooooooo NO!!
I have another mans cum on my hand. I was either going to me sick or cry.
I just stared at it, horrified. I must have been there a while, as she turned around. I didnt even see her get up!!
She then started to blow my tiny baby cock - and that took my mind off it. Infact, a blowjob will pretty much take my mind off anything. I had restored some pride, as I was now sporting just under 5 inches of solid cock. It might not have been a giant like Bulldog's but you could have prized open a steel door with it.
So, Ashly bends over and I'm in. It's OK - feels good, I am doing the noises, working away. She is making noises - probably sympathy noises but who cares, I am f*cking.

I was just getting into it, blocking out what I have just seen by remembering the best bits from my porn collection.
'Bang'
something hard hit the wall. I was all 'What the f*ck was that?' I look about, and it was a shoe. Bulldogs shoe. Did he throw a shoe at me? "Bulldog what the fuuuh....."
I look over and he is naked - socks and shoes now gone, and he is doing something.
He has his back to me, but I can see he is up to something, fussing hard doing... something.
So absorbed at what he was trying to do - I stopped moving again. Nothing prepared me for what I was about to see.

Bulldog turns around. His cock looked even bigger but horrible! Dark purple and blue, bulging with veins. All swollen, I though it might explode. Around the bottom, he had tied his shoe lace!
"Bulldog - what the f*ck??" - I look at the shoe that hit the wall and, as I expected - no laces.
"Make shift cock ring" says Bulldog. Standing there - with his cock presented with a big shoe lace bow at the bottom. All the skin where tied was puckered up and white, then bulging twisted viens and engorged. It was grotesque, like a giant purple gherkin.
How the hell did he get hard again so soon? Must have been 5 minutes...

So again I am out. Bulldog - eyes bulging, just ramms it in. And then goes f*cking nuts.
f*cking like a psycho, angry f*cking, grunting and shouting.
"Uhhhhhhh?..." I am standing there like a twat
Bulldog gets worse and starts making animal noises and biting her neck - Ashley looks scared. He is biting hard - I can see the tooth marks, and hammering so hard I can see AND HEAR his turkey-neck nut sacks mash into her ass.
I try to grab his attention - and whisper "Bulldog"
"Nnnagghh ahhhhhh, uuuuugh"
"Bulldog"
"GNhhhaarrr, uhh, UUUHHH, Arrrrrr"
"BULLDOG"

He looks up - only one eye open like a crazy f*cked up pirate. All red n sweatty with glowing white scars. It spooked the f*ck out of me. So I screamed. Like a little girl
"EEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhh"
I have no Idea why I screamed - probably fear, but I am sure I had never screamed before. It was loud enough that Ashley stood up
'Shhhlop' over a foot of Bulldog fell out.
'What?' said Ashley.
Me - feeling an even bigger twat "Oh...nothing"
So, as Bulldog was standing there, already, she sat on the edge of the bed and tried to fit the purple monster in her gob.
I had become a spectator. So - I tried to tell em 'I fold - I'm out, f*ck this, you are both f*ckin freaks' but what I actually said was "Err... hellooooooo?"
With that Ashley flopped the giant cock from her mouth. It looked like she had been drinking mayonaise, stood up and tried to kiss me. Right after smoking Bulldog's mutant pole! f*ck THAT!! She got close enough that I could smell Bulldog's onion knob stench on her breath! So I pushed her off - harder than I meant, she fell back onto the bed and bounced off, onto the floor, smashing a lamp. Letting out the loudest fanny fart I have ever heard 'Phhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrflp' I am sure it splashed my face.

Enough was enough. The whole affair was a nightmare. I grabbed my jeans and slept in the car. Nothing like porn. Not even close!

Never again.


amazing! :y::y::y::y:

[Prickle]

doggy style anal with a old fuck buddy, long story short shit everywhere on the sofa. cleaned up sat down again watch some family guy on the now not shitty sofa and could still smell a seriously strong scent of of cack. thought fuck it sort it out after round two, she goes to give me another nosh fires back the forskin to find a helmet of shit formed around my bell!! you ever tried clean your bell end without touching it? mary gold and rough sponge. fair fucks to the girl though straight back noshing whilst i finished family guy with a j.

Flol..

minging

[lukebeard]

i allways say you havent had a good night til you shit yourself!! think she had the night of her life hahaha

[Matty16v]

Nothing too amazing, one of my ex's was a squirter.

She squirted whilst on top, went everywhere, carried on, one big thrust, popped out and straight up her arse. I mean straight up...

Felt fucking brilliant, she cried a little, I pulled out after a cheeky few in and outs, popped the load on her chest. End of cool story

[Matty16v]

hey alex19 thanks for asking mate! and yer went fucking amazing!!! best ever!!! im so happy lol :D i loves my GirlFriend! she was so happy with what i done for her! i went all out that she was in tears telling me she loves me every 2mins! i was so chuffed beats arguing all the time! and since that nite its just always been laughs giggles hugs kisses sexes! its been amazing! im glad i put in the effort now it was well worth it!

Still with her? bet you're not... lol:y:

[Prickle]

Nothing too amazing, one of my ex's was a squirter.

She squirted whilst on top, went everywhere, carried on, one big thrust, popped out and straight up her arse. I mean straight up...

Felt fucking brilliant, she cried a little, I pulled out after a cheeky few in and outs, popped the load on her chest. End of cool story

Did she have a slack arsehole?

[christoph]

Not really embarrassing, but i feel asleep/passed out during before. At house party last year . :y: t'was good fun lol

[Matty16v]

Did she have a slack arsehole?

I think it was to do with the fact she squirted on top so we were both pretty lubricated and it popped straight up lol

[matt_vtr_15a]

Nothing too amazing, one of my ex's was a squirter.

She squirted whilst on top, went everywhere, carried on, one big thrust, popped out and straight up her arse. I mean straight up...

Felt fucking brilliant, she cried a little, I pulled out after a cheeky few in and outs, popped the load on her chest. End of cool story

felt fucking brilliant?

All my encounters with anal and with lube (better lubrication properties than girl juice) and it felt as though it was gonna snap my banjo....

You got a lucky shot in there, it would either bend your cock in half next time or snap your BANJO

[Stephanielouise_x]

I dont know if mine are embarrassing or just plain awkward..

1. Loosing your anal virginity before your actual virginity and not realizing.:panic:

2. Being choked quite hard and passing out during sex :n:

[Cam]

I dont know if mine are embarrassing or just plain awkward..

1. Loosing your anal virginity before your actual virginity and not realizing.:panic:

2. Being choked quite hard and passing out during sex :n:

Pics or GTFO

[Llardy]

I dont know if mine are embarrassing or just plain awkward..

1. Loosing your anal virginity before your actual virginity and not realizing.:panic:

2. Being choked quite hard and passing out during sex :n:

haha we have a winner...

and I have a semi.

[vtrsarah]

LOL babe :D

[Brettles1986]

I dont know if mine are embarrassing or just plain awkward..

1. Loosing your anal virginity before your actual virginity and not realizing.:panic:

2. Being choked quite hard and passing out during sex :n:

Not realising it? How the fuck?

[Prickle]

Not realising it? How the fuck?

:detective:

[Stephanielouise_x]

Not realising it? How the fuck?

It was dark and not a lot of room!

[Ryan]

Not realising it? How the fuck?

I loled. how can you not realise theres a cock in your shitter?

[Prickle]

FLOL...

[Heftydanielson]

I dont know if mine are embarrassing or just plain awkward..

1. Loosing your anal virginity before your actual virginity and not realizing.:panic:

2. Being choked quite hard and passing out during sex :n:

You said you enjoyed it that rough, guess not?

[Stephanielouise_x]

You said you enjoyed it that rough, guess not?

Enjoying it is one thing.. i didnt intend on passing out :n:

[Heftydanielson]

Enjoying it is one thing.. i didnt intend on passing out :n:

Should of carried on, nothing beats of close necrophilism.

[Brettles1986]

Enjoying it is one thing.. i didnt intend on passing out :n:

So if we are being technical here, you have grounds for rape charges to be brought up?

[Daz_Kez]

It was dark and not a lot of room!

That's usually the case, kind of moist too eh?

[Stephanielouise_x]

Should of carried on, nothing beats of close necrophilism.

Who said he didnt ;) .. I woke up a few minutes later.. no problemo!

So if we are being technical here, you have grounds for rape charges to be brought up?

Nope its fine, like i said woke up not long after and carried on, i found it funny after

[Heftydanielson]

Who said he didnt ;) .. I woke up a few minutes later.. no problemo!



Nope its fine, like i said woke up not long after and carried on, i found it funny after

That's one way to take a break. ha

[Brettles1986]

My embarrassing sexual experience is yet to happen, i'm still a virgin.

I'm joking, it was finding out she was 13

[Stephanielouise_x]

My embarrassing sexual experience is yet to happen, i'm still a virgin.

I'm joking, it was finding out she was 13

Thats not embarrassing thats awkward.

[nicole_]

You'd have to have one hell of a loose arsehole to not notice someone smashing it, its a pretty different sensation lol...

[Brettles1986]

You'd have to have one hell of a loose arsehole to not notice someone smashing it, its a pretty different sensation lol...

Really ... (said in an Ace Ventura style voice)

[Stephanielouise_x]

You'd have to have one hell of a loose arsehole to not notice someone smashing it, its a pretty different sensation lol...

When you're a virgin would you really know?

[Daz_Kez]

You'd have to have one hell of a loose arsehole to not notice someone smashing it, its a pretty different sensation lol...

I too thought this, not that I've experienced my arsehole being smashed.

But from experience of being the hammer & nail.. I must say I've never come across a set of holes where its easy to mistake one for the other when gaining entry or actually on the premises.

[Rach_]

You'd have to have one hell of a loose arsehole to not notice someone smashing it, its a pretty different sensation lol...

I have to agree here! :P

[Prickle]

You'd have to have one hell of a loose arsehole to not notice someone smashing it, its a pretty different sensation lol...

Agree.

She has a loose arsehole.

[vtrsarah]

no embarrassing stories to tell here :D but i agree with steph if you are a total virgin how the fudge are you going to know not everyone is sexually matured before there first time

[Stephanielouise_x]

Shit secrets out.

[Ryan]

Either way the lad that stuck it in your ass - Hero.

lolz

[Daz_Kez]

Either way the lad that stuck it in your ass - Hero.

lolz

x2!

He definitely knew the score.

[Heftydanielson]

Either way the lad that stuck it in your ass - Hero.

lolz

x2!

He definitely knew the score.

She loves a bit of anal tho.

[Stephanielouise_x]

She loves a bit of anal tho.

Thats a lie, now what did your mumma tell you about lies daniel, remember who makes your drinks at the weekend :D

[Heftydanielson]

Thats a lie, now what did your mumma tell you about lies daniel, remember who makes your drinks at the weekend :D

it's not a lie tho. :oops:

The cute blond at the other bar?

[Brettles1986]

no embarrassing stories to tell here :D but i agree with steph if you are a total virgin how the fudge are you going to know not everyone is sexually matured before there first time

No embarrassing story? mandatory pics then

[Stephanielouise_x]

it's not a lie tho. :oops:

The cute blond at the other bar?

Hahaa course not :clapping: .. well there is more then one blonde at the club but ill be sure to tell them to do nice things to your drinks ;)

[Heftydanielson]

Hahaa course not :clapping: .. well there is more then one blonde at the club but ill be sure to tell them to do nice things to your drinks ;)

She can do nice things to me anytime she likes. :A: